Kinda late but.... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!


2011 was a damn good year for me. Honestly. But I'm not sure if I could say the same for the entire Europe and Japan. Bad year. What's more Katy Perry just got a divorce?? On New Year's eve or the new year? Either way, it sucks haha. That aside, 2011 was a really good year.


I went for a jog again. I had a nice leisurely jog. It's the first time I enjoyed my jog. Coz it wasn't too tiring. Best of all, I was able to sit on a bench alone and reflect a lot about the year's events and what I expect of myself in the coming year.

I expect a lot of things of myself. Sometimes a little too much. I think everyone thinks the same way. We want to achieve so many things and we feel like we let ourselves down too many times. Every new year, I'd tell myself and be expectant of what BAD things are to come. I always think, wow, I'm gonna experience more events that would make me feel down... and I'm just waiting for the next downfall to happen. But, no, this year, I won't let myself think that way. Or at least, counter-attack such negative thoughts.

This year, I'm going to take time to enjoy the little achievements that come my way and celebrate every possible moment that makes me happy. I read from somewhere, that we humans tend to see our shortcomings too often that we overlook what's best in us. That little spark in every one of us. Something albeit imperfect but unique and special. Be proud of what you've achieved. The tiniest and subtlest of things are really the moments we need to think about and celebrate! Woohoo!



2012 is the one year, or only year so far, I feel damn excited for!


I can't explain it but I get really hyped up just thinking about 2012. It's never happened to me before! It feels like there are endless, BOUNDLESS opportunities out there waiting for me. I'm just living it and waiting for what's to come.
I mean seriously, the past years, when I say I'm excited for the year.... it's all bullshit. It's just foolish optimism. Ok lah, nobody wants to say I'm looking forward to a shitty new year hahaha. But knowing how I'm feeling right now, I guess the feeling's just different and I know how I'm meant to feel.


Or maybe it's coz the prophecy about the end of the world is true and I'm really just looking forward to that and the end of my life haha. SIAO.



~

But yeah, 2011 was good. I discovered myself in some of the most painful processes. I mean, if you've been following my blog, I had some of the majorest worries and fears all spilt here. Some, I've yet disclosed. And maybe... what I am to do now, I would be.

If you know me personally or have been viewing my posts, I think you'd be able to notice things about my face that have been changing.



Yes, my face.




No, it's not plastic surgery...... but Acne.



Remember how after A levels I told myself I must find some sorta way to get rid of the pimples that were appearing on my face that never happened before? I thought it was a little too old for me to be experiencing such things. I thought my skin would get better. But I was wrong.

It got worse.

Every, single, day, I would look at myself and hope beyond imaginable hope that my pimples would disappear and I'd have my pimple-free face again. That I'd once again, be able to run my hand on a smooth patch of skin as the water ran. It wasn't just vanity, but the fact that my own friends cared about skin very.. very much and I was afraid of how people would view me. I don't blame them, it's just.. beauty and society.

It was a very painful time for me. Seriously. I know, how vain could I get? Over pimples. But yes, beauty can make or break someone. In my case, I was falling apart.


I could never hold my face up properly to people when I talked to strangers. In fact, even to my own friends, I tended to tilt my face a lil downwards prolly hoping some sorta shadow would hide the ugly red big things on my cheeks.


I no longer liked to take close-up shots in pictures.

In fact, whenever I went to cosmetic shops, I wouldn't even DARE look at the many mirrors. Even till this day, I shy away from mirrors in these shops sometimes. Phobia I would say, of what I was to see.


It was that bad, and I remember... after an outing with a bunch of friends, having bathed and was getting ready to sleep, I cried once, while I sat on my bed, thinking oh how ugly my skin had become.


It was really, that, bad.



I can tell and show you with pictures of when and how all my fears began,




In mid-J1,

I already thought this was bad, but not too bad. Because someone noticed my small zits appearing and told me my face looked bad. So it all started here and began snowballing into one big journey of insecurity. Now when I look at this picture, I think, hey, it's not so bad lah? Why did I ever listen to that one person?!?! The person told me not just once, but constantly told me, till I got psychoed to think it was.

Btw yeap those were my teeth then. That explains the need for braces hahaha.

Anyway, it just became worse and worse coz I tried every method to get rid of them and tested over the counter skin products. SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT DO *WARNINGGGGG


If you don't even wash your face with products, please, don't gey kiang go and buy products and wash your face when your face already looks good. I already made that mistake and I don't want anybody out there to repeat that same mistake.
Becoz what I didn't know and unknowingly did was strip the moisture out of my face over and over again as I changed the different skincare products and sometimes used it more than 2 times a day. I know!? W.T.F WOMAN!!!!! What were you thinking?!?!?!?! I used to not even wash my face with such stuff at all and had clearer skin.




In J2,


I thought, this was really bad. But this was October... A levels was about to start so I couldn't care much about the face and concentrated on my examinations. Studies > Face. At that point of time of course.




JC prom,

The one time I felt I looked good coz I was able to hide my zits with the wonders of make up. But that wasn't solving anything.



The worst it had gotten, was this,





Very bad. Look at my buay song face, you know already.

Just looking at these pictures reminds me of everything and it already feels quite painful.




And remember my trip to the UK? Most of the pictures of JUST ME, turned out looking like that,



Hiding my face. Quite artistic ah this picture haha. But ok, really, I was tryna hide my face.

WHAT A BLOODY WASTE. Coz Britain was so, freakin, beautiful. And all I could muster was this!?!?! What the * really.



I was quite upset. It was then, that I thought, enough was enough. I had enough of waiting for my face to recover. Had enough of the ENDLESS waiting of never knowing when it would. And tired of being insecure.


I wanted my confidence back. Because during that period of time, I was just not myself. Terribly insecure and horribly moody. I couldn't joke and kid around and be funny. I lost it. I lost myself.

And do you know how horrible it is to lose YOURSELF? It is pretty damn bad and I pray to God you'll never experience that. Coz you just don't know how to feel anymore. Or be how you'd be normally around people. I became very socially awkward because I could not get me back. I forgot how to BE me.

I decided, "I'm gonna see a doctor."

I went to a clinic in Tampines. Called Niks. I mean, I've been avoiding this issue the whole time. My good friend Yuanyun had been telling me to go for it, but I refused. Not coz of pride, but for the fact that I was doing this for vanity?!?! I hated knowing that I was paying for vanity. But no. I wonder why it took me so long to realise that my stubbornness was indirectly taking a toll on my confidence. This whole thing was bringing me downnnn.

Oh and I just remembered, a kid once asked me if I had chicken pox on my face hahahaha. And I said yes, I do. And gave a frown. Kids, they can say things that are the most brutally honest. They don't know the gravity of their words and how much words can hurt. But, they are, all true.



And yes, finally, going to the doctor was probably the best decision. And the right time since it was a few months before I entered uni which was in August. It allowed my face to recover and my own psychological wounds to heal. It got me prepared to meet new people, without having to shy away.

Along with the treatments, I read a book about picking myself up and daring to be me again. I know it sounds really melodramatic, but back then...... it was really that bad.

After prepping myself, I knew I was ready.




Sorry if this looks damn disgusting but I took a picture of myself then, just to see how my face was doing as I took the medications prescribed and applied 'em on my face.



It got better.





... and better,

Till... well, you're looking at me now right. Haha.

It isn't as flawless as it used to be. A few scars here and there, with pores that aren't small. I still, do envy people with awesome skin like my friend above, Vivian. Hahah and many of my other friends who have great complexion. But, I'm happy that I gained my confidence back and I don't feel sad anymore when I brush my fingers over my skin. I like what I see now. Yes, I do wish I hadn't tested over-the-counter products but really, I think I grew up and overcame such a bloody painful point in my life. I was at an all-time low in my life then.



BUT NOT LOW ENOUGH TO KILL MYSELF.
I'mma strong girl. Hieh.




Beauty I say, is something very superficial but when you think about it, if it is something that is pulling you down and stopping you from doing things, you've gotta do something about it. Becoz you won't want it to be the one thing that's anchoring you. Cheesy.. but, set. yourself. free.

It doesn't have to be in a way that I did, by treating myself, but if it's something you can't treat, then, accept it, move on and constantly have positive thoughts. It definitely matters. Read it somewhere, don't mind me.




So there you go, the struggle. 20 years down the road, I'd wonder why I got so fed up over something I would think as minor. But as of now, I know how badly the damage it did to me.

I couldn't help but thank my doctor in a card I wrote to her coz I think whatever treatment she gave me helped out a lot. Although I must admit, the clinic's earning damn bloody good bucks since patients become damn reliant on their skin products. :S



So, 2011 allowed me to do some soul-searching especially during that gap period between A levels and Uni. I experienced an all-time low but picked myself up. The good results that came along from the A levels release was also a great respite. But of coz, all good things come to an end and won't last.
Thus, really, we've gotta celebrate all the little good things in life while they last. I try to tell myself not to get fed up easily over small matters or get my insecurities in the way. Life is freakin short.



Jiaqi reminded me that we're turning 20 this year. One year shy from adulthood. Indeed, we're all maturing. But we're in this together, so no fear pretty ladies.



I'm excited for 2012.



And 2012... here I come.  ¶ 11:44 PM