Zapyou

Let's just say, 2019 has been a major rollercoaster ride. Taking my emotions to the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

The start of 2019 is a bit of a blur right now in my memory. I remember a bit of travelling - to Indonesia first for a wedding, then to Korea for holidaying. It was also a very very busy start at my workplace, with major reforms made in the education sector, which is the area that I report most on, with loads of interviews to do.

Work was exhausting, especially one time when I had to squeeze out many long stories in a short span of time. That one very nearly killed me, and killed my energy, maybe even killed my love for journalism... because work ate away at my soul and my health. I fell seriously ill in September, and had a couple of successive health scares that caused me to reevaluate my lifestyle choices and priorities.

Then there were also problems within my family some time in the middle of the year. My family faced one of the toughest moments ever. And while I had tried not to let whatever that was happening affect me, it somehow got to me. Let's just say that walking into your parents' bedroom and seeing both of them crying isn't the most pleasant thing to witness.

But 2019 wasn't only doom and gloom. In fact, I experienced the complete opposite as well.

When I went to Germany in September, I saw beautiful lakes, castles and mountains and I was reminded to slow down and to care for my SELF before anything else.

Just some of the beautiful places I visited!!

During the trip, I met my friend's dad who at one point looked at me, with unwavering gaze and said very gravely, "No one is indispensable". He explained that I will die one day, but the company lives and moves on without me - and warned me not to overwork myself.

While my trip to Germany in September taught me to take things easier, it was quite ironic that I made a trip to Germany AGAIN within a span of three short months for... WORK. Hahah so ironic. It was to cover President Halimah's first state visit to the country earlier this month. And because of the trip, I fell in love with my work again and I was reminded why I wanted to do this job.

First ever overseas assignment!

Challenging yet incredibly fun

I must admit it's difficult to balance work and life. Work inevitably becomes part of life somehow. But I believe it's also expectations - when you set your expectations right, and you know what to prioritise, then life becomes a bit easier.

As for the problems in my family? Some unexpected news came up last month, and it turned the entire situation around - my family is now buzzing with excitement and joy and happiness all around. I know... I'm keeping everything very vague, but in time, you will know what this piece of news is. I just can't say anything right now. As for the problems, they became almost non-existent. So yes, we were taken on a ride, a crazy rollercoaster ride.

2019 was also the year when I met a very special human being... who also took me on a crazy rollercoaster ride. Someone who's been with me every step of the way since I met him - my ups, my downs, my highs, my lows. Someone who's been very gentle, caring, patient and kind to me. You know who you are - thank you and I can't wait to spend more of life's crazy moments with you ;-)

one of my favourite things
from my favourite human beannn

I've grown a lot this year - both in my personal and work life. Went through many challenges, but none that killed me. And I guess in a way, it's preparing me for bigger things to come in 2020. If 2019 was crazy, 2020 is gonna be way wayyyy more crazy. I can already feel it in my bones that the next decade is gonna be a whole lot more exciting than the last. Am I even gonna blog in the next 10 years???? That's crazy right. I've been so committed to this, my goodness. When I'm dead, I might just still be blogging in heaven hahahahh.

Thanks 2019 for everything thrown at me, next up is 2020 gleaming right at me.

Tears couldn't stop falling down my face the moment I touched down at Cologne airport. As I walked out of the airplane and proceeded to the immigration counter, I looked out at the bright beautiful sky beyond the tall glass windows and felt like this was the closest I had ever been to my friend Dom. I said to myself, i'm finally here to see you my friend... and the tears just could not stop streaming down my face.

----

As I write this post, it's been two months since my trip to Germany, three years since I found out about my friend's passing, and four years since he died. If you're new to my blog, you can read this and this to get a bit of context to this post. But long story short, one of the reasons for my trip to Germany in September was to pay my last respects to a good, kind friend, who unfortunately cut his own life short after battling with severe depression for many years. It was a long time coming, after getting in touch with a close friend of his, who after corresponding via email for three years, agreed to take me to Dom's grave for a final closure.

When I met his friend, Philip, it was pretty surreal. He picked me up in his car at Cologne, so he could drive us both to a nearby city Dusseldorf and to a little place called Vorst, where Dom laid to rest. We had the entire hour-long ride to properly introduce ourselves because we literally were strangers. (my name's philip, my last name isn't german because my father's english - and my side, i'm ethnically chinese so my name is si hui but you can call me sue cos it's easier) He then said "You know, I think it's so cool that you flew thousands of miles to be here and to meet someone you don't know." I said it's also cool that he agreed to go out of his way to do something like this, despite not knowing me at all. After exchanging pleasantries, and talking a little bit about each other's cultures, we finally talked about Dom.

He told me about a meeting they were supposed to have right before his passing. Dom was feeling very down, especially after breaking up with his girlfriend and Philip asked to join him in Berlin to just chill out and not think about anything. He waited for the day to arrive, but sadly, Dom took matters into his own hands days before that. When all their friends found out, they were all shocked, confused and felt like they could have done something to help him. And when his funeral arrived, it was a day he had never seen before - so many people who'd grown up together with them (dom and philip were childhood friends) reconnected at this one place. Philip said he had this ability to draw people together when he was alive, and he was also able to do that in death. Everybody had so many questions. I said I too, had gone through a very very tough phase in my life when I found out about his death because I couldn't comprehend why he did that to himself.

Soon enough, we arrived at this church where both Dom's funeral was held and where the cemetery, which contained Dom's ashes, was situated.

solemn-looking church

As Philip and I walked past that tall building on the right to enter the cemetery gates, the church bells chimed, to signal that it was 2pm.

While the exterior of the church felt really solemn and honestly quite bleak, it was a different picture inside the cemetery. It was the most beautiful cemetery I had every been to. Neat rows of headstones and wonderfully tendered grass and flowers. Nothing like the messy cemeteries in Singapore like the one I'd been to in Choa Chu Kang. And while I expected it to be dark and scary, it was actually really bright and peaceful.

Philip took about ten minutes to stroll with me and describe to me what the different head stones and their inscriptions meant, and patiently answered questions I had. Soon enough, we arrived at Dom's resting place and it was nothing I had imagined. It had a simple head stone, containing a flickering candle, along with photos and some flowers. But what struck me most was the imprint of a tattoo he once had on his arm - a picture of the continent Africa with music notes coming out of it. I immediately recognised it and told Philip that it was beautiful and so perfect. He told me it was his sister who suggested to have that tattoo imprinted. He then left me alone to say some final words, while he went away for awhile.

left: flowers i bought for him

right: his very own little space

At first, I just stood there in silence staring at the tombstone and just taking it all in. Then I knelt in front of it and started talking. It was kinda awkward initially because it felt as if I was talking to myself especially since I was surrounded by silence and I couldn't help but feel like I was saying empty words. But soon enough, I eased into it, looked straight at the fire flickering in the candle and talked about the times we shared together. I said it was wonderful to have met a great friend like him and even smiled when I talked about stupid things we did. Then I started to tear when I told him that he was the kindest person I had ever met and that I was thankful to have been his friend. I looked at the tattoo on the floor and touched it - it felt like I was touching his heart. Just as I was about to stand up, I let out an exasperated sigh and said aloud, "Oh how I wish you could hear me, Dom"

Then a gust of wind blew and the leaves on the tree in front me started rustling and then an even bigger gust of wind blew and the whole row of trees started doing the same. The sound of the leaves shaking was so loud and it was as if he was saying, 'I am here, and I am with you.' I felt it, I really did, and smiled to myself. Soon enough, Philip walked over to join me again. We talked a little bit more about Dom's final days. He translated to me fully what he had written in his letter to his mom. He gave specific instructions to his brother and sister, about where he had hidden some of his personal items so that they could retrieve them when he was gone. He reassured his mother that this was nobody's fault and a decision he made alone, told them to take care of themselves and that he will always be looking out for them from up above. The only thing he left out was the reason why he chose to end it, and so even till today nobody knows why he did it. We understand it's depression, but aren't sure what triggered it. But it's a decision I respect and choose to leave be.

While I said I was very sad for a long time back in 2016, I told Philip that whenever I think of Dom now, it's all happy thoughts and I will always remember the cheery, fun-loving and colourful side of him.

Right before we left, I touched his tattoo imprint once again and said goodbye. Philip uttered a "see you, bro", and then the clouds above cleared and the sunlight shone through.

Then as we walked back to the car and the minute we passed the church, the bells chimed, signalling 3pm. Both Philip and I turned to look at each other and he said, "Woah we spent EXACTLY one hour in there!" He said it was crazy that there were so many signs - like Dom was saying hi to us the minute we entered and bye when we walked out. We both thought it was just crazy as we stepped back into his car and drove off.

Philip then invited me to his house to meet his wife, Laura, and their new born baby!!

His home was really cosy and pretty that I asked if I could take a snap
Can you spot baby Olivia in her cot by the window?

After having some of what Laura cooked, it was time for me to leave to catch dinner with another group of friends. All three of them, including baby Olivia, sent me off at Cologne in the hour-long drive back because they also wanted to visit the city for a bit - especially since it was where they had their first date as a couple, a few years ago.

I bade them goodbye after I alighted and thanked Philip profusely for taking me to see Dom again and inviting me to his home. It's still crazy to think that we both agreed to do this even though we hadn't actually met. And also amazing we could click and connect in such a short moment in time - we talked a lot about other things that interest us, religion, politics, etc, even laughing a lot in the car - it really just felt as if I'd known him for a long time. Different cultures, but really, all the same.

Right after I left them, he texted and said "We should have taken a picture *roll eyes emoji*"

I said "OMG THAT WAS WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO!!!! Another time then"

Then he replied "Deal!"

And added "But Olivia and you have a picture together"

I laughed out loud when I saw this. And in that moment, I felt like I gained a new friend.

The purpose of my visit to see Dom's grave was to seek closure and find answers. While it's still somewhat of a mystery, I truly felt like I had closed a chapter. And strangely enough, it also felt like I opened a new chapter - lost a friend, but gained one too.

I've been talking a lot about what happened over the course of the last few years, sharing with all of you everything I've felt and learnt. I've put in as much detail as I possibly can, as a way to help myself deal with the thoughts I had and what I was going through. While some of the details are graphic, I hope that they enlighten readers, and not glorify the act of suicide. I also implore you not to do the same, but to seek help and find someone to talk to about what bothers you. I understand my friend felt trapped and did what he did, but please know that it's not the only way out. You can heal and rise above the shadows.

And please, please know that there is always hope.

I can't begin to say how crazy the last month or so has been. There I said it, it's been CRAZY.

And when the HDB buildings chimed at 12pm to signal the arrival of November today, I couldn't believe how close we are to the end of 2019. It's NOVEMBER, wow.

Again, I've been sooo super busy and tired that I couldn't update this blog the entire month.

Not only did I travel to TWO countries consecutively (Germany and Japan), I was also struck by ILLNESSES. Yes, you read that right, plural. I got very sick twice. One before I went to Germany and the other right after returning from Japan. And I haven't been so seriously sick in such a longggg time. The first time, I suffered stomach pains and nausea, also a bit of fainting spells. The second, fever. In fact, I've just recovered and was on mc for the last two days.

It's just been CRAZY for my body to say the least. CRAZY.

Amidst all the craziness, I also spent my 27th birthday last month in Tokyo :) With the family.

Turning 27 is also quite crazy. I think 27 is the last year I can actually say that "I'm still young". 28, I believe, is when age really sets in. It's the age when one is already done pursuing some sort of basic academic level of achievement, and also seen a couple of years in the real working world. I even sense some of my youthful idealism starting to slip away.... and I find myself, well, constantly tired sometimes. Maybe it's also the age when I'm trying to find out how to balance what I fundamentally believe in and what the world expects me to be.

And it's also quite sobering watching the documentary "Amy" on my way home on the plane. It's a documentary chronicling Amy Winehouse's life and eventual death. I remembered crying buckets when I was 18/19 knowing that I'd never listen to more music from one of my favourite artistes. It's even more mindblowing as I was watching the documentary to realise that omg, she died when she was 27 and I'm 27 now?! It's crazy to think you're now the same age as someone you used to listen to.

Then look at me now. Trying to build my own career as well, and finding my way around life. A number of superstars like Winehouse died at 27 - from overdose or misadventure of sorts, having maybe struggled to come to terms with the complexities of this world. It is a very complicated, hard, tough world out there. I... and my other millennial colleagues... we battle the newsroom every day. Wondering what we do is worth it or not. Then, we get called the tofu generation.

But I believe, we still bring a lot to the table. Maybe we are the generation that can establish and also somehow bring our ideals into the real world. And I think that makes a life worth living. The world is substantially different now and who's not to say, as a famous politician once said, 'yes we can.'

crazy, crazy world we live in eh - just needs a little dose of craziness back at it.

received this out of the blue this evening and was suuuuper happy so it deserves a selfie
the most beautifuuuul bouquet ever :')
u know who you are, thank qqqq

I've been away for so long. I wanted to do a "three things i learnt after working for three years" post, but it's stuck. Promise I'll get right back to it!!

I must say I've been occupied by a lotta things... and people hee hee.

Haven't been insta-storying much either, something I used to do pretty religiously for the funsies. It's quite nice la to not always have to post all the time. I enjoyed doing it, but I realise it also takes up time (and phone battery hahah).

It's also hard to find time to sit down and blog. It's actually 1:50am and I have energy right now cuz it's my off day....

... and I've some reserves because I'm already looking forward to MY VACATION REAL SOON OH MY MAMA I'M SO EXCITED.

Remember Germany?? YAAAASSSS, it's coming. I'm coming for you Cologne, Bremen, Hamburg, AND BERLINNN. Can't wait to catch up with so many of my friends, and also catch a breather. Been starting to lose motivation at work as well. So thank goodness I'm leaving soon :')

And I can't wait to visit Dom's grave. It will be the ultimate, ultimate closure for me. To finally see him, albeit not in person but the closest I can get to feel his presence again. I think about him every now and then - when I go through hard times... but it's his cheeky side that I think about the most :-)

It's also a good time to go before the General Elections come along. They just announced that the Electoral Boundaries Review Committee has been formed - so a couple months more or so and it's game time.

The GE - that's one of the reason's why I joined CNA. I wanted in on the action. Back when I first entered the company, I remember telling a friend, who still remembers what I said, that the one thing I wanted to achieve during my time as a reporter was be able to report on the GE. I'm sure it'll be an electrifying experience, something to remember.

Anywho, sorry for the lack of updates. But I'm here to say that my life has been pretty good so far. Maybe I'm just in a really good mood now hahahh. Oh, my family went through a huge bump last month though. Thank goodness I had my friends to lean on when my mind was in disarray. Can't wait for our family trip to Japan in Oct so we can have some good ol' family bonding time.

Speaking of family~

Zelda Tan is growing up well
Monthly niece update
#proudaunt HAHAH

Arrrghhh she's the cutest ainnit?
But again, I don't wanna own one - too much work. I just wanna play wahahah.

I hope life's lookin up for you wherever you are.
We're nearing the end of 2019 - do you remember what your new year's resolution was?
Mine was to remind myself to be mindful and to live in the moment. I still try to practise that every day. I fail at times, but the idea is to keep going~

and even if you feel like you're not in a good place at the moment,

i hope you know things will get better and look better
it always does~

p/s just as I was about to finish writing this post, Dom's friend replied to my email saying it's the perfect time to take me to dom's grave because he's got parental leave!! he even had pictures attached of his baby - a little girl :')))) he told me earlier this year that his wife was expecting and i was so happy for him. so nice to see pics of his lil angel!! let me remind you, i've never met dom's friend before hahah

what a wonderful world.

pasir ris, june 2019

Isn't this view amazing???

Anyways, june was crazy hectic for me - I almost died from workload after completing two big stories in a short span of time. It was the first time I cried because of work stress - I questioned why of all people, it had to be me. Pulled off two 4am shifts and scrambled to find interviewees at the eleventh hour. It really took a toll on me yo.

Which is why, you see the month of June is empty when it comes to my blog posts haha. I really worked my ass off, until I had little time for anything else

Thankfully, my dedication didn't go unnoticed - one of my bosses, who usually doesn't give compliments, told me she could see that my work was improving, and to keep it up.

So just when I hit my lowest point, I saw the break of dawn. I saw the light~ If any time you feel like giving up, hey, just remember this episode, and you will never give up.

The photo above - it was taken a day after I teared, when I needed time off to clear my mind. I was greeted by this amazing sunset, which by the way, is pretty rare to see..

And just when I was about to leave, thinking that I'd seen the best already, the sky turned to this -

the most brilliant of hues

While I do not subscribe to any religion, I must say I am pretty spiritual, so I took it as a sign that things will be okay.

And things really turned out okay. More than okay actually.

In fact, June ended on a really lovely note~

Truly, the only way is up after you hit rock bottom.

In the meantime...

Zelda is so bigggg now. She's a teenager!
No longer the scruffy lil puffy baby she once was.
And she's growing well, I really love her to bits. I've never loved another dog more in my entire life. She can be really silly sometimes, like peeing when she sees hoomans like me, but that's what I like about her hahahah (also cuz i dont have to clear up her mess)

I can't believe it's already July. Where did all the time go?

But I'm also looking forward to September!!!! When I get to fly to Germany!!!!!!!! The trip is definitely on, as long as the elections don't kick in then. PM Lee, please I beg of you, call it next year, 2020 is a nicer number, I'm sure many good things to come to Singapore.

My friend Jan is also all set to take me around in his campervan whooopee, I'm so excited I just can't hide it.

I trust that the second half of 2019 will be all good things :)

with many more awe-inspiring,

and beautiful moments to come ~

Writing a blog post is difficult because I don't know where or what to begin with haha~

Okay, let's start with hello. I think the frequency of my writing is now one post a month. But as promised, I won't stop writing and anyway, it really does help me to process things.

A while back, one of my idiotic friends exclaimed, "Omg. You still blog?! Omg!" And proceeds to read OUT LOUD one of my recent posts to everyone around. Really, idiotic friends I've got hahah.

I can't believe this bunch of siao friends and I completed the entire 36km route march from Jurong to Punggol two weekends ago!!! We were grunting in pain but carried on, one foot at a time until we reached our destination. I really am lucky to have this bunch of friends. I really am lucky :')))) THANK GOD FOR NTU WKWSCI. You were one of the best things that happened in my life.

Another thing just happened this week that made me feel lucky to be alive. It's not like it's momentous or anything - I simply fell sick with flu and cough. I didn't take MC and made it through one of the toughest days at work. My nose was dripping the entire day, it even dripped right on to the floor in front of one my interviewees and I had to apologise profusely lol. My body was aching, mind in disarray, throat in pain, and then it got me thinking - nothing can be worse than being ill. Truly nothing. I'm glad to simply be able to breathe properly. And to smell and taste food. How awful it was to not have been able to taste anything the last few days.

While still slightly sick, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in ages (hello Kah Whai!!) and she asked me how's life. I gave a good think. Well, not really. I immediately replied, "just work lor" and after a little more probing, I said with the same level of enthusiasm, "yeah my life revolves around work". I thought about it, and damn, how sad that sounds yo. After my recent sick episode, I'm thinking yknow, my life needs a bit of jazzing up. Summer is coming, (although it's kinda summer all year round in Singapore) it's time I do something different and new. I've always had the occasional meetups with friends to do things like that big ass walk, and other fun stuff. But never really something consistent.

So hereon, I'mma inject a lil something into my life, especially since my work life is beginning to stabilise - completed one year of reporting, plus my timetable has become a little more predictable. I think I can step up. Maybe I'll start with a new hobby - a friend recently asked me out to boulder. Tried it once, thought it was fun, then fell sick when she asked me again, but I'll try to keep it consistent.

I know I shouldn't be talking about work, but a former colleague of mine recently chided me when I told her that I still feel too fresh and new in the job. That I still need time to adjust. But she looked at me and raised her voice, almost shouted at me "CAN YOU STOP SAYING YOU'RE NEW. You're not!!! You can do it!!!!!" I laughed. But deep down I knew she was right.

Can't believe I'm quoting an animation, but I'm quoting an animation because it's apt. The protagonist asked when will he ever be ready?

"It's a leap of faith. That's all it is. A leap of faith."

Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse. T'was an amazing movie I managed to catch on AppleTv last week. Can't wait to watch it over and over again.

So yes, all I need to do is take a leap of faith. That doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm still scared. I still don't think I'm good enough - fast enough a thinker or analytical enough (important traits of a reporter) - but if I don't jump, I never will.

That's the same for many other things in life~

Alright, started the post with a hello, I'll end it with a see ya lata~~ update you guys on more stuff soon.

Waddup dawwwgs - I can't believe I missed the entire March.

Hadn't blogged at all. Maybe cuz I've been busy with....

This rascal of a dawwwwwg

ISN'T SHE JUST THE CUTEEESSTT?????

When my bro told the family that he had bought a golden retriever puppy, I was just crazy excited + shocked. It's my favourite breed of dog in the WORLD and knowing that I'll get to visit whenever I can (and not wait to go to somebody's house during CNY) is just... the best. And I think since we've never really been allowed to keep any animals at home when we were younger, this was news beyond my imagination. But I was also a lil concerned because his house is tiny and when she grows big, that house gon' be too small for her. Plus, keeping a dog is a frakkin commitment and she'll cost a BOMB yow.

but oh well, I'm just here to play teehee
good luck bro.

March was also fun because I made a trip to South Korea and met up with all my korean friends again. Sianpei and I were not ready for the cold but it was still a nice getaway all together.

Took this photo right before we left Seoul -

cuz spring was upon us~
the weather started to turn warmer and this was my first ever cherry blossom sighting.
Beautiful nonetheless

And it kind of signifies a renewal of sorts.
This is what April feels to me - to begin again.
And I really do feel a certain change is gonna come.
What is it? I don't know, but I'll embrace it :)

Often, we hear the phrase "Friends are the family you choose" - and I believe it can never be more true.

they make me laugh...

they make me cry...

and sometimes, they come in different forms, and sizes
woof!

"These relationships require time and intention, but when they do blossom, they do so with trust, admiration, and awe. They bring with them some of the sweeter joys that life has to offer." source

After every outing with friends, I often say a silent prayer for I am full of gratitude simply having them in my life. And I cannot imagine a world without them :-)

Of course, these photos show just some of my friends - those who know who you are, you have a very very very special place in my heart, always.

It's 2am, and even though I've an interview to do later at about 10am, my mind just could not stop thinking when my head hit the pillow. So what do I do? I blog haha.

I've been thinking - in 2 months' time, I'd officially complete my first year of reporting.

It's been wild to say the least. I've hit days when I'm really high and days when I'm really low.

I hit one of the really low ones recently. I think it was exacerbated by my sadness during the period of CNY. I adore CNYs, it's just that this year, it's a lot different - mainly due to my brother's absence. Last year, I joked about how I was looking forward to having him kicked out of the house because he was gonna get married. But the loneliness really sunk in this year. All my life, I had had my brother's presence during house-visiting. But this year, when relatives asked where he was, I'd say he's out visiting my sis-in-law's relatives. And it was excruciatingly lonely not having him around most of the time. We were always a unit - taking photos right before we leave the house, talking in the car, talking more cock while we were doing our house visits, dissing our relatives - but this time, I was the solo sibling. I cried one of the nights, because I realised how much I really missed him and all those years we were together. I had really taken all of them for granted.

After CNY, I dreaded going back to work. And I carried that mellowness back to office. I just felt... really tired. I think it didn't help that all the house visiting was really draining - this year just felt a lot more tiring. Like there wasn't enough time. Then the thought of work and continuously finding stories, staying on the ball, being on my tippy toes, I felt so drained. I felt mentally drained.

Some time last week, when I did a story for a lead up to Budget 2019, I interviewed one of the MPs at Pathlight School. I remember being so passive while doing the interview, I just wanted to be done and over with it. After that, I bumped into my university senior who was working at Pathlight. We caught up, and she asked me how was life at work. I said I felt drained, and sometimes stories I did weren't very fulfilling - unlike back at school when everything we did ran on passion, with so much idealism. People were enthusiastic about what we did... but I felt like I lost it at work. After that, I had lunch with my close friend Suxin, who's currently a teacher at Pathlight as well. I told her how so very tired I was, and sensing this, she told me, "Life is still beautiful. Take it one step at a time." She's always been a good listener, and sometimes, I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. When she told me that, as simple as that one-liner was, I felt really touched - by both her warmth and kindness. She knew she was treading on sensitive ground and just having a listening ear lifted my spirits greatly.

When one friend lifts you up, a couple of others arrive too.

In the same week, two Bhutanese friends came to Singapore, both at the same time. One was my guide, the other a friend I made whilst at a Buddhist festival. Just hanging out with them and talking to them took me back to a time when I was in Bhutan where thoughts didn't rule my mind and I was reminded not to fret the small stuff. It was lovely being in their presence again. It was as if, they were my lil angels sent from above to cheer me up.

After that story I was working on aired, I received a message from a sociologist. She wanted to write to an MP with regards to the profile I featured in the story. The boy lives in a one-room rental flat with his grandmother and cousin after his mother died and father was unable to care for him. He's still studying at ITE and has to juggle both work and school to support his grandma. Long story short, that boy went through a lot and the sociologist was so touched by his story that she wanted to help him.

It gave me a lot of hope again - that my work still mattered. That it still touches lives and moves people into action. It was the first time I ever did a story that caused people to sit up and do something. The sociologist then egged me on to continue doing what I do, and to never give up the good work. I told her, I wouldn't.

To cap off the week, I received an email that made my heart so so warm.

Not sure if I told you guys, but I'm visiting Germany at the end of the year to meet all my German friends again - those that I had made while I was in New Zealand during my student exchange in 2013. My friend, Jan, kept asking me when we would see each other again and well, it had to be one of us that goes over to the other's country right? So I gave in. Besides, I'm already visiting my Korean friends next month, so I guess I'll just make it the year when I meet all my international friends again haha.

If you remember, I had a German friend who took his own life some time in 2015 and I discovered his death in 2016. Back when he was alive, we'd always talk about meeting again. I'd tell him that he had to meet me in Germany when I go there, and he promised. This time, I'm making sure he sticks to that promise.

So I wrote an email on Saturday to tell his friend that I will be visiting Germany this year, and that I hope he would take me to Dominik's grave. Back then, Philip, was the only person who gave me closure by offering details on the days and months that led to Dominik's eventual passing. He even described to me what his funeral was like, so that I could feel like I was there too to say my final goodbye. He had even offered to place a letter I wrote to Dominik on his grave. For the next three years after that, we ceased communication.

On Sunday, Philip wrote back to me, with this photo attached to his email:

i almost teared when i saw this.
my letter to dom at his grave, which i was seeing for the very first time too

Philip said all these years, he wanted to write back to me but couldn't because he was going through a lot of things in his life. But he had made sure that my letter got to Dom's grave and that it is still there today. Come October, he'd be happy to take me there. He also updated me about his own life - that he had met the love of his life and that he's going to be a father this July. It's crazy, to think that we've now become friends, all because of Dom. I wrote back telling him how happy I was when I read his reply and that whenever I think of Dom, it's no longer sad thoughts, but happy ones of all the times we shared together.

So much good things happened in a week, as if it was a sign telling me that hey, life is still pretty darn good. Things have changed in my life, but also for the better. I was reminded that I've grown so much in the past years, and that I just have to keep going, keep my chin up, and not let the mundane in-betweens get in the way.

With that, I'm looking forward to what's beyond my one-year of reporting - it's been a rollercoaster ride so far, learnt so many things, and will still be learning more. It's not going to be easy, it's still a long bumpy road ahead, but hey, nothing great in life is ever going to be easy - so I'mma roll with the punches. I just need to take it one step at a time and remember to just breathe~

2018 was by far the best year of my life.

I overcame one of my biggest fears - and that was driving a car. For the longest time, I had always thought I'd be a bad driver because of that one time I lost control of a buggy in 2011, I thought omg I should never get on the roads. But when I eventually did my lessons, my driver actually told me... I was a good driver lolll. And I passed my test on the very first try. I learnt to overcome irrational thought and fear. The past never defines your future.

I did many other first things too - like getting my open water diving cert and getting my ears pierced (finally!!)

And of course, becoming a reporter was one of the most defining moments of 2018. I've been to so many places in Singapore, met and talked to so many people. And... I covered NDP live - it was on my checklist. I know, how patriotic haha, but seriously, every year, I'd watch the reporters do it and I told myself, I'd do it someday. Never did I ever imagine the day would come so soon. Truly a dream come true.

Prior to becoming a reporter, I had my first promotion in my career as well :-) Perhaps, my boss pitied my measly pay so he decided to jack it up. All of this couldn't have happened without my bosses' support - something I'm very thankful for.

In the same year, I travelled to the most beautiful places I'd ever been to in my life - Sri Lanka and Bhutan. Hidden gems in the world - and I'm sure, I'll be back.

2018 was the best year not just for me - but also my family.

My brother got married, my cousins got married, my dad turned 60 and threw a party, my mom won the lottery (twice, lol), we got a new car, our house got a brand new look. I reconnected with many of my old friends, and became a lot closer to my good friends.

2018 was eventful and truly a good year.

So eventful that I even got wasted three times hahah, blacking out and not knowing when or how I blacked out. Made my parents worried, macam I hit puberty at 26 cus I was hitting the clubs and getting home drunk all the time bahah. But it was all in good fun lah, and kids, do it with friends you trust. I had good friends to take care of me so maybe that's why I overdid the booze. But of course, that's no excuse hahah.

With that, I hope 2019 will be just as eventful. Remember how I said I sensed 2018 would be a good year? Let me tell you, I think 2019 will be just as good, or even better. And I can't wait already ;)

New Year's Resolutions? Heck that, let it all flow and come to you and remember to be mindful at every waking moment. Let 2019 be the best there'll ever be.

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