they make me laugh...

they make me cry...

and sometimes, they come in different forms, and sizes woof!

"These relationships require time and intention, but when they do blossom, they do so with trust, admiration, and awe. They bring with them some of the sweeter joys that life has to offer."  source

It's 2am, and even though I've an interview to do later at about 10am, my mind just could not stop thinking when my head hit the pillow. So what do I do? I blog haha.

I've been thinking - in 2 months' time, I'd officially complete my first year of reporting.

It's been wild to say the least. I've hit days when I'm really high and days when I'm really low.

I hit one of the really low ones recently. I think it was exacerbated by my sadness during the period of CNY. I adore CNYs, it's just that this year, it's a lot different - mainly due to my brother's absence. Last year, I joked about how I was looking forward to having him kicked out of the house because he was gonna get married. But the loneliness really sunk in this year. All my life, I had had my brother's presence during house-visiting. But this year, when relatives asked where he was, I'd say he's out visiting my sis-in-law's relatives. And it was excruciatingly lonely not having him around most of the time. We were always a unit - taking photos right before we leave the house, talking in the car, talking more cock while we were doing our house visits, dissing our relatives - but this time, I was the solo sibling. I cried one of the nights, because I realised how much I really missed him and all those years we were together. I had really taken all of them for granted.

After CNY, I dreaded going back to work. And I carried that mellowness back to office. I just felt... really tired. I think it didn't help that all the house visiting was really draining - this year just felt a lot more tiring. Like there wasn't enough time. Then the thought of work and continuously finding stories, staying on the ball, being on my tippy toes, I felt so drained. I felt mentally drained.

Some time last week, when I did a story for a lead up to Budget 2019, I interviewed one of the MPs at Pathlight School. I remember being so passive while doing the interview, I just wanted to be done and over with it. After that, I bumped into my university senior who was working at Pathlight. We caught up, and she asked me how was life at work. I said I felt drained, and sometimes stories I did weren't very fulfilling - unlike back at school when everything we did ran on passion, with so much idealism. People were enthusiastic about what we did... but I felt like I lost it at work. After that, I had lunch with my close friend Suxin, who's currently a teacher at Pathlight as well. I told her how so very tired I was, and sensing this, she told me, "Life is still beautiful. Take it one step at a time." She's always been a good listener, and sometimes, I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. When she told me that, as simple as that one-liner was, I felt really touched - by both her warmth and kindness. She knew she was treading on sensitive ground and just having a listening ear lifted my spirits greatly.

When one friend lifts you up, a couple of others arrive too.

In the same week, two Bhutanese friends came to Singapore, both at the same time. One was my guide, the other a friend I made whilst at a Buddhist festival. Just hanging out with them and talking to them took me back to a time when I was in Bhutan where thoughts didn't rule my mind and I was reminded not to fret the small stuff. It was lovely being in their presence again. It was as if, they were my lil angels sent from above to cheer me up.

After that story I was working on aired, I received a message from a sociologist. She wanted to write to an MP with regards to the profile I featured in the story. The boy lives in a one-room rental flat with his grandmother and cousin after his mother died and father was unable to care for him. He's still studying at ITE and has to juggle both work and school to support his grandma. Long story short, that boy went through a lot and the sociologist was so touched by his story that she wanted to help him.

It gave me a lot of hope again - that my work still mattered. That it still touches lives and moves people into action. It was the first time I ever did a story that caused people to sit up and do something. The sociologist then egged me on to continue doing what I do, and to never give up the good work. I told her, I wouldn't.

To cap off the week, I received an email that made my heart so so warm.

Not sure if I told you guys, but I'm visiting Germany at the end of the year to meet all my German friends again - those that I had made while I was in New Zealand during my student exchange in 2013. My friend, Jan, kept asking me when we would see each other again and well, it had to be one of us that goes over to the other's country right? So I gave in. Besides, I'm already visiting my Korean friends next month, so I guess I'll just make it the year when I meet all my international friends again haha.

If you remember, I had a German friend who took his own life some time in 2015 and I discovered his death in 2016. Back when he was alive, we'd always talk about meeting again. I'd tell him that he had to meet me in Germany when I go there, and he promised. This time, I'm making sure he sticks to that promise.

So I wrote an email on Saturday to tell his friend that I will be visiting Germany this year, and that I hope he would take me to Dominik's grave. Back then, Philip, was the only person who gave me closure by offering details on the days and months that led to Dominik's eventual passing. He even described to me what his funeral was like, so that I could feel like I was there too to say my final goodbye. He had even offered to place a letter I wrote to Dominik on his grave. For the next three years after that, we ceased communication.

On Sunday, Philip wrote back to me, with this photo attached to his email:

i almost teared when i saw this. my letter to dom at his grave, which i was seeing for the very first time too

Philip said all these years, he wanted to write back to me but couldn't because he was going through a lot of things in his life. But he had made sure that my letter got to Dom's grave and that it is still there today. Come October, he'd be happy to take me there. He also updated me about his own life - that he had met the love of his life and that he's going to be a father this July. It's crazy, to think that we've now become friends, all because of Dom. I wrote back telling him how happy I was when I read his reply and that whenever I think of Dom, it's no longer sad thoughts, but happy ones of all the times we shared together.

So much good things happened in a week, as if it was a sign telling me that hey, life is still pretty darn good. Things have changed in my life, but also for the better. I was reminded that I've grown so much in the past years, and that I just have to keep going, keep my chin up, and not let the mundane in-betweens get in the way.

With that, I'm looking forward to what's beyond my one-year of reporting - it's been a rollercoaster ride so far, learnt so many things, and will still be learning more. It's not going to be easy, it's still a long bumpy road ahead, but hey, nothing great in life is ever going to be easy - so I'mma roll with the punches. I just need to take it one step at a time and remember to just breathe~