Closure.

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I'd like to think that the kingdom of heaven looks like this...

The past few days, my friends and I have been seeking for answers and closure within ourselves. I managed to contact two of Dominik's friends via Instagram and they told me about what happened. I dared not ask how he died - the possibilities are endless. But I also have a feeling, nobody really knows why he did it. And I think, we will never know why. If I could, someday, I'd like to visit the place where he was laid to rest to say a prayer, lay a flower and bid my goodbye. Like how it should be.

With his passing, Dominik has brought my friends and I closer together. We may be miles apart but I think his death woke us all up. I wish I could be with them right now, to grieve together.

And frankly speaking, I have difficulty bringing this to a close because there are still so many questions and also... I feel like I'm out of touch with my own feelings.

I realise... I have a problem with reacting to my own feelings. When I observe the plight of another, I can instantly cry and become emotional because I can feel what the other person is going through. But when it comes to myself, I have a problem. When I found out about Dominik's death, I didn't cry. I couldn't cry... And I think... I've a problem confronting my own feelings. I badly wanted to cry but I couldn't bring myself to. I have difficulty reacting to how I feel. I easily react to others' but my own. And that's quite scary.

I dunno if it's because I numb myself or that I refuse to acknowledge my own feelings. It could be both. I know that I need to grieve properly because I knew my body wanted to. One day whilst napping, I dreamt that I was crying because of his passing. And indeed, I woke up, weeping. It was as if, my subconscious mind badly wanted to cry but I refused its needs.

I don't know. I really don't know. Life and its myriad of questions - I surrender.

Speaking of questions, I dunno if this is all me and my head thinking they are signs but... help me here.

1) Dominik passed away a year ago in March. It is March this year. It is his one-year death anniversary this month. Coincidence? Plus the thumb drive almost seemed to have tumbled out of nowhere. It was as if... he was trying to tell me something.

2) While typing my blog post about his passing, guess what? The German couple whom Sianpei and I met and adored in Myanmar... they found our email addresses and emailed us out of the blue. I thought I had lost them. I thought I'd never hear from them again. It had been 4 months without a word from them. But they suddenly found the piece of paper with our email addresses, thinking that they lost it. They'd been desperately wanting to contact us. It was as if, after losing a German friend, I found another two... Coincidence once more?

3) Before I inserted the thumb drive into my macbook and found out about his passing, remember how I said I was talking to my brother and how it would be a miracle if my Myanmar pictures were in the thumb drive? I actually verbally announced loud and clear, "If God exists, then the pictures will be in here." The pictures weren't there of course, but I was actively challenging God's existence and it was almost as if... there was indeed something in there that I was supposed to see.

I really don't know man. Maybe I've been thinking too much lately. Or maybe I'm just drunk from the lack of sleep.

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I have to move on and part of me feels guilty for moving on. It's almost as if feeling happy would be a form of betrayal. It's the same feeling that I got when I was at the Killing Fields in Cambodia, after a whole sickening day of gruesome history. I even told Sianpei that I feel like I can't ever be happy again knowing all of that happened.

But I know Dominik wouldn't have wanted that. I remember him as a happy person and in my memory, I will only remember the happy man that he was.