Yeah, that title says it.

Last night, after a long day of meeting with my video team, I felt so... down. So insecure and disappointed with myself.

What happened yesterday was I met up with my friends Reshma and Zhuoda to discuss how we wanna storyboard our upcoming alumni videos and figure out how to use our audio equipment. Took about almost the whole day from 11am to 5:30pm.

After that, we met our instructor at 7pm at his workplace to talk about our story ideas and learn about equipment handling and tips and tricks for video.

I returned home this morning at 12:30am feeling extremely overwhelmed by so many thoughts and bombarded by a whole load of stuff in my mind.

The stuff that happened in the day was fine but by the time I got to meeting our instructor at 7pm, I became extremely weary and I was distracted I couldn't really digest much or be as active in listening as I should be. And would usually be. I was concerned about so so so many things.

Maybe I got my period yesterday also lah so my body wasn't feeling optimum and my boobies were sore as hell I felt like a milking cow lol.

But anyways yes, I couldn't concentrate because.... I felt extremely flustered about 2 things.

1 was, as our instructor was teaching us techniques, I felt... inadequate.

Because why? I felt like I should know everything he was teaching us by now after THREE LONG YEARS of education at University. Not at a just-beginning-to-learn stage.

I should know how to work
the lights,
the camera,
the audio,
write a brilliant script,
understand the workings behind production,
manage and direct time, people, and stories extremely well,


But I didn't.

I didn't know everything.

And we didn't even know the basics of how to work the audio. We took the whole DAY earlier on to figure out how to use the audio equipment.

And I was thinking... what the hell?

3 long years of University education. And here I am learning all these for the first time from this module.

Then a lot of thoughts came to my head: I thought to myself... what a flaw there was in our education system. It was always the pursuit of grades first hand and whoever who knew audio/video work would always improve, and people like myself wouldn't really learn much because we rode on these people's coattails and would get along by. Lessons were extremely basic. The projects we did would let us have a little taste. But that was all. No proper experience. No proper supervision. What exactly were we doing right/wrong.

I felt disappointed yesterday coz as much as I wanted to impress, I had no great skills to offer to even impress. And I think it was shocking even for my supervisor to have to teach us all these basic skills when really? We should know all these by now. I felt pretty pathetic to be honest.

Even when he started teaching things that I learnt during my internship, I wasn't active because I was pitying myself. Like, "I know this! I already know this one! I should prove it!" But by then, I was already washed out and down and I didn't feel like bringing the best that I could.

I felt disappointed with myself more than anything else.


The second thing was.. having to lead the team.

Knowing that my abilities to make a video was so basic, I was thinking.. how can I lead a team when I'm not even confident with the skill sets that I have? If I'm not good, I can't properly lead a team! What's more, I felt the pressure to call the shots. But how can I, when I don't feel confident about what I do. I'm just not confident.

I was feeling really really insecure.

Really down. Really upset that I'm not bringing my A-game when I really should be.


I went home, got to the shower then laid in bed and started typing and talking to friends. Wailed to them, and thankful they listened to my sob stories about being stressed and all my inadequacies.

But in the process of discussing with my friend Sianpei, I realised a number of things...


a) We are still in school: be patient with yourself

- It is the best time to learn and make mistakes. I am still learning. It's not the end, it's not too late. I just have to keep trying, keep learning and be open-minded. School isn't lousy. It is the premise to what's ahead of me. It may not have taught me to be the best producer, the best director, but it has taught me the basis of what it takes to BECOME the best producer and the best director.

I am impatient. And perhaps having seen during internship what the best IS, I WANT to be the best. There were brilliant cameramen, brilliant producers and brilliant editors at my internship company. Having seen the best, I expected the best.

But I have to remind myself, the best also started out as nothing but developed over the years. And my friends and I.... we're fresh and we lack experience. That's why we're not the best. Yet.

I constantly benchmark myself with other students in school who have had mega loads of filming experience and feel sometimes that THEY should be in the team. Not I. And that I don't deserve to be playing a major role in the team.

But, I shouldn't feel that way. Because I earned it, and as much as I want to show that I earn it, I need to first learn the steps before I can PROVE it.


b) I figured, I have too high expectations of myself. 

I really am not the best yet so I shouldn't try to act like one. Put my ego aside and SET MY SpIrItS FREEEE.

We're all here to learn. I must tell myself, to lower my expectations, think less of "I should know this by now" and more of "This is interesting, I need to learn this"


c) Be a risk-taker. Try new things and learn learn learn.

I'm afraid to fail. So when things that I think may not work well, I say, let's not try this. But to learn is to try and sometimes fall. Can be hard and painful but that's the only way.


I know I'm afraid because I have to lead even though I am not sure of my own abilities. How do I be assertive when I'm not even confident about the decisions I make? I'm still figuring my way around it.. will always feel pressured about it and it will last for quite a while.

But what Sianpei told me was quite nice... She said to not bear the weight of it. My teammates are there too. We're all in it as a team and I shouldn't keep thinking that I have to take charge and control everything. It's a team effort. And she says that she knows and believes everything will turn out well eventually. Aww... :')


This project is a true test. It is the toughest project I've ever done. A lot of inner conflicts with myself but I'm sure ass hell gonna wade it out. It will be tough, but I gotta get through it and make the most of this project!