The above conversation was one that I had with a Swede a few months back when I established contact with him before I flew to Sweden to understand more about the country. And yes, our conversation slowly led to... talking about relationships. OUR relationships to be precise. Past, present.

I know what you're thinking, nope nothing escalated after that. We didn't make out and have sex, no. Nothing happened.

But he told me about his ex-girlfriend of 7 years and I was of course saddened by the fact that such a long relationship had to come to an end for him. And when it came to my turn to reciprocate my story, I had............................. Absolutely nothing to tell. Zilch, Zero, Nada.


But here is one story I can tell you about - Being single. all. my. life.


Every time someone, whom I've just met, lets their guard down and reveals something about their relationships to me, I almost always feel bad that I have nothing to tell them in return. It always feels as if I was digging for something about their love life and exploiting them after they've shown their vulnerabilities to me. I always get the sense that they think I'm lying when they ask me if I have a boyfriend, and I say no. "What about last time?", they'd ask. And I would say "don't have leh" and then they would respond the same way as the dude above did - "I don't believe it".


Well, I'll tell you something.... Believe it.

All 22 years of my life, I've never had a single relationship, ever. None of those secondary school crush relationships, or 1 month relationship or, even a few days relationship, NONE. I've never made out with a guy, kissed a guy, or good lord, HELD HANDS WITH A GUY.



WOW JUST WOW SI HUI, THAT JUST MAKES YOU A NUN ESSENTIALLY.


Thanks guys, thanks for the support.

But yes, this is all true. And before I go on rambling about what I think about what it means to be single all my life, I need to tell all you people out there who are in the same boat as me that it is okkkkayyy to be single all your life. That doesn't make you any lesser in value, or that nobody loves you, in fact wow, your partner should be so lucky to have you for the first time ; )

--

I recently had this revelation about myself that made me think that... I'm actually glad, so glad, that I never had a single relationship before in my life up to date. Not that it's wrong at all to have relationships in your life, but I think for me.. I'm glad I didn't get attached in my earlier years.

You know the cliche about how you have to love yourself before you can learn to love others? I always never really understood that, but only recently, just recently have I come to realise what it means.

I think during my early years, I never really had a very strong sense of self. I wasn't absolutely comfortable being myself, I always questioned my being. I mean, not that dramatic lah, but I wasn't as confident about my SELF as I probably am much more now. Slowly over the years, I began to understand myself better and grew a lot more within, became a lot more independent. I am much more grounded now and I know myself a whole lot more.

And I realised that if I had committed myself to a relationship, I probably wouldn't have had the energy to focus on developing my self before I could even learn to love someone. I would be struggling because I didn't understand myself before I can even try to understand someone else or give what I have to offer to another human being.

Worst of all, if I had experienced breakups then, with the dude breaking up with me, I'd be so hurt. And in my formative years, I probably would have questioned myself and my personality. Whether I was right for the guy, what did I do wrong? Especially since I didn't really know or love being myself back then, I would probably think there was something seriously wrong with myself, and I'd be in a constant flux of change, searching, seeking for myself. I mean, this happens even to adults during breakups. I might just experience this in my later years when I get into a relationship.

BUT FOR A TEENAGER OR YOUNG ADULT, I think this would be dangerous. I'd be a bloody wreck. Not knowing myself.

And I think I grew up pretty well on my own, finding myself, becoming aware of my being without caring about anybody else, selfish as it may seem. But I truly believe in this, that you need to love yourself before you can wholeheartedly give yourself, your best, to someone else. They don't deserve someone who doesn't even know HERSELF well enough.

Not that I even HAD anyone chasing after me hahahahaha. So thank God for not shoving anyone at me even though I'd question why not, all the time.

What's more, I wouldn't have known what I wanted in a relationship or a partner then. Yes, I might have liked guys but really, they were all based on superficiality like looks, sporty, what have you not. I wouldn't have really treated love as anything deeper than i-like-you-and-you-like-me-let's-be-a-couple. I wouldn't. Not to say that I now know EVERYTHING there is to love, but I would say at least I now know the gravity of the commitment of a relationship and what it means to really BE in love and STAY in love.

--

You'd ask if I have ever dated, ever tried, ever TASTED. Tantalising eh?

Yes I have dated. Well, sort of.

Friends know about some dates, not all, coz I always thought it's kinda disgusting to talk about my love life, which I am so talkin' about now and revealing you gotta congratulate me.

But yes, I think my first unofficial date was in New Zealand last year when a Korean New Zealander asked me out for dinner? He did all the basic stages, ask for number, then ask for dinner date sorta thing. But somehow, we both knew, this. would. end. Because I'd be going back to Singapore and he would stay in NZ. Of coz I must've kinda liked him enough to go out for dinner but I told myself "I cannot fall for him, cannot fall for him." Lucky it was towards the end of my stay on exchange so it was goodbye pretty soon. I would say, that was more of a fling than anything else.


This second one I would say, would be the closest I might have gotten to anything tangible.

We didn't start out as if we liked each other at all but developed a little over time. He was smart, and we could hold conversations for hours. I kinda liked this dude. But somehow, the more I knew him, the more... I knew about his insecurities and they were pretty damaging really.

We were friends with a lil bit of connection in the air, but the moment I knew something might be brewing... the fact that he walked me to my house, I knew I needed to stop anything from developing.

I knew for a fact that I didn't want anything to grow. And I wanted out, so that any pain that could potentially happen wouldn't even occur.

I've always thought that girls who led guys on, are extremely cruel. So many instances I've heard of and so many times the girl could've just stopped but claimed that they didn't know that the guy liked her. How could you not know!! If the guy got you gifts and did special things for you... it's so obvious. You can't not know! For me, I might have really wanted to try how it is like to love, but it would be selfish of me if I knew from the get-go that it wouldn't work and yet, still lead the guy on by going on more dates. I can't. And to think that girls would do that, I think it's really cruel lah. I mean, yes, it's great to know that someone likes you but I'd rather not have it go on any further when I know nothing good will happen of it. Maybe I'm not that close to the guy as a friend therefore I'm willing to just, stop. So it wasn't a friendship that was deeply severed. But, when I'm aware and know that something's not right, I stop. It's the most humane thing to do.

But also I guess from this, you can tell that I'm someone who just won't settle because I'm pressured to settle. Just because of my selfish wants of trying... I'd just try with anyone. Coz I think to even TRY, you gotta really like someone to try and commit to something. I can't just tryyyyy for the sake of it. Perhaps, high expectations is what they call it. The fact that so many of us are still single is because we're expecting too much of the other half. Perhaps we're treating this too seriously. Shouldn't love just be fun? Hmm, yeah. Dating can be fun, a whole lot of fun. But love? Nah, that one needs a whole lot more thought put into.

--

When I talk about pressure, I'm so glad, I have friends who are still single and ready to mingle. I still have friends who are just like me, without a track record at all haha.

And I truly think all of these girlfriends are the best people I know. They are kind and smart and I always wish for guys to see their beauty that shines so damn radiantly. I remember one of my evergreen friends getting a boyfriend last year and we were all so excited because that's one nun graduating from the monastery. I was so happy that someone had seen the beauty that I've seen all throughout my life of friendship with her. And to know that someone appreciates her for who she is, you cannot not know how happy I was for her. Plus, she's a good looker ; ) To date, she is still with him and they are one lovely couple. Shippin' them big time.

She has told me how being in a relationship is really much tougher than she'd imagined it to be. Fights, quarrels. Not rosy all the time.

I dunno what love is, in couple to couple love, because I've been single all my life. But what I do know is universal love. How corny it sounds. But love for my friends, for my family, the people around me, I've at least experienced that. And every relationship needs commitment, needs working on. I think some of my friendships backslid this year because of a lack of attention, and I think same goes for every kind of love. To give and receive.

That's my interpretation of love for now.

And I think the 15 year old me probably wouldn't have been ready for that. Or the 17, or the 19 year old me.

--

Then you ask, would the 22 year old me be ready for it? Am I ready for it now?

I can't say for sure though. Part of me wants to just go with the flow, knowing that there will be someone out there. Not to worry. But a little bit of me would be wondering what if nothing happens. That would be sad lah, but the optimist in me thinks that damn, I really don't believe that there's no one out there for me.

The Swede told me that it's not that easy, just waiting. You gotta try to put yourself out there. Tinder, okcupid, whatever it takes. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that though. That's a bit extreme for me, to put myself out there on dating apps and stuff. I'm traditional like that. And maybe my ego/pride is at stake. But that would mean I just gotta play the game a whole lot longer. Do I seriously have the time to wait? All 22 years, and no one? Should I really?

At the same time, I think I'm falling into the trap of the career woman thinking of my generation by putting love, relationship and marriage for later. I feel like... now's the time for me to really pursue my dreams and ambitions. I'm just about to take flight in my career... I haven't even actually BEGUN. I have yet to graduate man. Would I really be able to devote my whole self to a commitment that I'm not sure I'm ready for yet?

Then again, that really isn't something for me to say. Because I guess when someone does come along then yes, I'd give it a shot.

Not sure if there's much time left for a few good relationships. 8 years till I hit 30. I can't just play, this shit just got serious.

--

Alright, then I've been asked, "What's your ideal type of guy?"

Hmm.. I've always believed in complementarity. I read this article once and I thought it hit all the right notes for me: http://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry

"The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two people have pathologies that complement one another.” He was only half-joking. High levels of chemistry usually come from opposite yet complementary qualities in people."

Judging from my parents' state of relationship (going strong having just passed their 25th anni), I think this proves to be true.

So if you know me by now, you'll know what kinda guys I'm likely to gravitate towards... SOMEONE WHO IS UNLIKE ME. Hahahaha. But I do think some lifestyle choices and values have to be similar, which is also addressed in this article.

I think I like easy-going guys, coz I think I'm quite uptight leh? Even though a lot of people think I take stress very well and that I appear chill, I think what goes on in my head is a time bomb, evaluating and thinking and trying to make sense of things. Can get quite crazy up in there hahaha. I don't need to have a guy who's funny, even though that's what a lot of girls search for in guys.

To me, what's most important is that you're not afraid to be you, and yourself and I think that's the best thing you can offer to anyone. Seriously. Whether you complement each other, that's for nature to decide by letting it take its course~~~~

--

If you ask me, am I scared? Yeah, I might be scared that I won't find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah I might be scared if people think less of me because I've yet been in any relationship. But for the most part, I'm not really afraid. I dunno where or how I get that confidence but it's just something that will happen, sooner or later.

So before I end this long ass of a blog post let's just say that once when I was young, I read in a magazine or the papers about this successful lady who recalled her time when she was younger. She had promised herself never to get into a relationship before entering University.

I decided there and then that... Wow, I wanna be JUST LIKE HER. I'll stay out of any of this love thing before University, which probably made her so successful today. So I was thinking, only when I go to University, then I'll consider it.

But here I am, in my last year of University, still unattached and single HAHAHAHA. I'm so funny.

I guess this goes to show how nobody can really dictate their lives. When I asked my evergreen friend who became attached how her relationship developed with her then-friend, now boyfriend, she attributes it a lot to fate. Had she not been in the same room, at the same time, alone, with him and only him, things might not have happened or progressed. So it seems to me how love seems to unveil itself by an f word. Always lurking, always ready to catch you at unexpected times.

Love and relationships will always be what people crave for. It makes you happy, makes you giggly, makes you sad and angry. It pulls people apart, makes them go crazy, yet it also brings people together in extraordinary ways.

I've yet to feel what that love is supposed to feel like but I've no doubt that someday I will.


Whether you're going on 16 or 60, I wish you all the love as a single, attached or married person. Whether you were in a recent breakup or rekindling lost love, there will always be lots of love in this world to go around. An abundance of it. And know that you will always be loved.