Was asked to help out at the Federation of Asia-Pacific Women's Association conference yesterday, which was held in Singapore this year. It's a congregation of women delegates from a number of countries - Taiwan, Korea, Japan, The Philippines, Guam and well, Singapore of course haha. And every two years, the host country would be rotated via an election. (next one's at the philippines!) Workshops were held over the last few days but I was only around to help for the last day and I was tasked to type the minutes for the summary of resolutions.

Would've been good if I had the opportunity to attend the workshops. Alas, work always comes first.

Anywhos, it was so good to see my favourite pageant girl, Ariel, again :) It's good to be back seeing some of the other girls as well~ it was a great respite.

And yes, you see my hall 3 girls Suxin and Huiquan there toooo. Initially, I only came to help in the afternoon but the organisers from SWA (same folks from my pageant) were sad that I had something on with the two girls for dinner and couldn't stay for the night. Eventually, they told me the two of them could join as well so that I could stay on, and so there they were, part of the festivities as well!

Also, I think I've a thing for wearing ethnic costumes. Since we were representatives of Singapore, the Peranakan costume was what we wore. I love the sarong kebaya and I coaxed Suxin into wearing one. Huiquan came a tad too late for her to switch into one.

As the conference dinner drew to a close, all of us danced the night away to 80s hits since the majority of the representatives from the different countries were all pretty much aged women. I don't know why but I knew all of the oldies music and they were so freakin good to dance to compared to noisy techno club music. Having Huiquan there was a blessing cos each time the song changed, we'd look into each other's eyes and the lightbulbs would switch on when we both knew the songs. We'd go super high. So high that I think we were the ones that kept everyone else on their feet.

You see kids, you don't need alcohol or drugs or cigarettes to help you feel good or forget about things.

Friends, good company, food, music and dance are all you need :-) (plus you ain't gonna need to spend any moolah for that! - maybe just for food hehe)

And in that moment, all my worries and stresses went right outta the window. I was so freakin ecstatic. It's been such a long time since I felt that crazy. And with my friends as well! All inhibitions gone just doing stupid poses and wild moves. As if I were transported back in time when we were all still in our hall rooms doing stupid things hahahaha.

Life right now has been ok. Not amazing, not devastating, just right about fine. Work is an everyday thing. Parents currently overseas. Brother sometimes at home, sometimes not, cos he's over at his girlfriend's place. That leaves me with no one else but loneliness hahaha. So it's great when I have my friends out with me on weekends. Keepin the mind occupied like how I cycled the 23km route for OCBC Cycle today. Turned out to be quite tiring man? But I still thought it was enjoyable though Faruq was whining the entire time cos well he had work later in the day hahaha. Cleaned the house as well, which became 2 hours more of exercise. Pheeyooh I was totally shagged by the end of the day.

I suddenly feel like I'm typing like how I used to when I was in Secondary school. Telling everyone exactly what I did every day. Kinda funny now that I'm doing it again.

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Anyway hi "Chasingsparklers"!!! I usually reply quite fast with my tagboard comments but life has been quite mundane and soso the past month so I apologise for the late reply. As you can tell, I am an optimistic person but it doesn't mean that I'm happy 24/7 or that I feel good all the time. There are blah moments and sad times as well in life.

It took me a while to think of a reply to your question and I'm still pondering as I type. Actually you know, I was quite a pessimistic person when I was younger, really! And I now find it quite amazing that I've changed over the years. So what you feel now... doesn't mean you'll feel the same way for the rest of your life. It's just small, incremental, mindset shifts every day that will build your way towards feeling more optimistic in the future.

I used to not want to be an optimistic person. Because I can be quite a realist too, so optimism used to sound very fluffy to me. Why should I feel gay and happy when I know things aren't that way. Ya know? I think you get what I mean. I didn't want to feel something that I didn't feel. For example, if say, I tell myself I'm not good at learning a new thing. I used to be very hard on myself and think about all the 101 things to back that up. "Oh, you're always so slow." "You'll never get it. Everyone else will get it but you." And I wouldn't want to think another way because well, at that point of time, I believed that what I thought was the truth. Sadly, having a mindset like that leads to self-fulfilling prophesies. And indeed, I'd end up not picking up that skill fast enough because I believed it was true. Then, it becomes a reinforced concept and I'd think that the problem is actually ME. That I AM actually slow.

There are two things to optimism I believe:

1. Optimism doesn't mean feeling happy all the time
2. There are certain un-"truths" that we uphold that prevent that mindset shift

I realised that how I framed "optimism" wasn't really quite right. I used to think it was about feeling happy and positive and joyful all the time. But I think optimism is actually keeping an open mind. Knowing that whatever the outcome may be, we'll still strive to do our best and not subject ourselves to the worst possible outcome. We take a chance and give ourselves that chance because we deserve a shot. It's not forcing myself to feel bright and cheery but it's to be open to whatever that may be. It is when we close ourselves to what could be, which leads us towards a downward spiral.

And then, also, what we think is the truth may not always be so accurate. We'd think the worst of ourselves sometimes, when it may not actually be what it is. So, a lot of the time, the problem isn't us. But how we think about certain things. Do you think about yourself in a very negative way? Is it really true? Or is it just what you think about yourself? We can hold on to that self-concept for years and years and have it bite us back every time. And it's holding on to that self-concept that causes us to hold back, and keep us from doing the things that we really want to do.

So to get around this, I think the first step would be to first know why you want to make that change. That mindset change. It has to be a reason that comes from deep within and it's not one that I can come up for you. At least for me, I recognised that it was preventing me from doing the things that I love and want to try. One of the things that I had always wanted to do was to talk to people freely without inhibitions back when I was 18. And the change had to begin with how I thought about myself first. I used to think that maybe I was too weird for people to like talking to me. But slowly I recognised that thought, then came to accept that hey, I am weird and I love that about me, which then became something I let go, and realised it wasn't actually about me anymore. So I think a lot of it has to do with the concepts and perceptions that we hold of ourselves that hold us back.

I'm sorry to know that you fell into depression... because I know depression can lead people into very dark places. But I think that we need darkness to help us see the light. It's like if a person has never tasted failure, they will never ever truly know the sweetness of success. Both come hand in hand. I think with depression, it makes you quite whole actually! Of course, it's not something anyone would wish to have, but with a little dose of optimism, it'll help you see things in very different ways from people who haven't been through what you have.

You used to be pretty in the past, and you believe you don't quite look so pretty anymore now... I hope that doesn't weigh you down from doing the things that you want to do! There are other areas in your life I'm sure that is still beautiful and if your friends love you for you and not how you look, those are true friends to keep :) They will not avoid you for what your face is like but what a person you are. And I'm sure you are a lovely person!

Perhaps, coming to terms with what happened could help too. Cry about it, let it all go and move from where you are as you go. Embrace what you currently have. Then make the most of it. Show them what you've got! This world can be superficial, for human beings like what they see on the outside. But truly, everyone has something beautiful about them. Discover that "something". Find something new to love about yourself and build on it. Always believe it to be your best asset and flaunt the hell of it!

Whilst you're doing all of that, be gentle on yourself. These changes take time. Fewer expectations, just tiny bits of improvement day by day. And believe me, you'll reach a stage just like I have and you'll be quite amazed by that mindset you've attained after all of it.

So just a recap, (as if this is one of your e-learning exercises haha), make incremental mindset changes. It could be as small as... when you're catching yourself chiding yourself or moving towards negative thoughts, hold up. Let all the noise and chatter in that brain come to a halt. Try doing that first. The process won't be easy, perhaps sometimes you'll find yourself back in a dark place. But keep at it. And remember to breathe~

Remember why you want to do what you want to do. And know that it is worth it.

And always remember to chase those sparklers and sparks while you're at it.

And remember to be a bit stupid once in a while hehe.