was life better? or worse? I just enjoyed a dinner treat by Kaiying at this really good cafe that's hidden somewhere in the heart o...

In hindsight,

was life better? or worse?

I just enjoyed a dinner treat by Kaiying at this really good cafe that's hidden somewhere in the heart of Lavender where there aren't much people around, just some - food was good and company was better. (go look up vxx cooperative if you wanna find out where)

We updated each other on our lives and the struggles we face at work and well journalism in general. But a few days ago, after I scrolled through my blog archives and read some of my past blog posts, ya know what, I realised that as much as I miss my idealism back at school - I remembered that school wasn't easy either. We struggled then, I struggled very much then as well. I wanted very much to be out of school. Yet, now that I'm out of school, sometimes I miss school. So when I read this blog post of mine, which was written 4 years ago, I've had a bit of a mindset change.

An excerpt from the post:
It really was the first time I'd ever felt like, "You know what. I'm so tired of studying. I really want to end this." I've never felt this way before. And trust me, I'm supposed be the last person on Earth to ever feel this way. Coz I've always felt that having an education is a privilege and succumbing to stress is almost like complaining.

And I remembered. 

I remembered the drudgery of studying. Of keeping up with tons of projects and tons of term papers thrown at me all at the same time with deadlines that all clashed. And my own expectations of doing everything well. In that post, I said that I cried in Year 2 of Uni, because I couldn't take the stress. Overtime, I've forgotten the pain, but reading that post made me remember it. It was tough back at school too. So when I look at my life in a broad scheme of things and if I look at it in a broader perspective... there will always be tough times. And it's not about wanting to go back to a time when life was "better" or wanting to be somewhere else in the future thinking it'll be "better". 

The "better" time is now. Now is the best time. 

When I look at my life now, I'm actually enjoying a life without tons of projects to do and tons of term papers to do. I have only one thing to do - and that is my job. My weekends are truly weekends for me to have a break. I'm not studying for mid terms or cramming projects. Although I no longer have long school holidays, I remember they were also spent worrying about the next semester. I no longer have to think about that.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't enjoy school. What I'm saying is that in life, you face challenges all the time. No matter how much you wish to get out of some place, or some time, a different set of challenges will await you in the future.

For example, currently, I face a different set of problems at work, which is managing the expectations of people in the office. Learning on the job and producing work that live up to again, other people's expectations. Managing emotions. Being a productive worker.

And I used to wish these problems away. That the past seemed better. Or the future would be a lot better without these problems when I'm somewhere else instead of where I am right now.

But that's not the solution.

What I need to do is accept that my life is changing. That it has changed. And I'll have to adjust to these challenges. Yet at the same time, be thankful that even though it can be difficult now, remember that it wasn't easier last time and it might not be easier next time. I just have to find my own way of adapting to the current situation and come to a form of acceptance and perhaps, even peace along the way. 

It is, as cheesy as it may sound, all part of the journey. All part of the process. Life is tough? Nah, life is one step at a time. The life that I live now is good, and it's how you think about it or frame the way you think that will allow us to feel contented with ourselves. Then it'll allow us to react in a way that aligns with our thoughts. It's tempting and easy to wish away problems or develop a yearning to go back in time - thoroughly romantic, but not very helpful or healthy for the mind I believe.

So I must say that I was caught up in the daily drudgery, struggle and emotion, until I looked back on my life, and took a step back to reanalyse. Hey, I've come pretty far! Good job and keep it up :) Things can be tough now, but things will always be tough. So go easy on yourself and live in the moment. Again, cheesy, but worth every bit of the cheese.

But I also don't blame myself for feeling sad either. It's healthy to wallow in a bit of self-pity too I believe wahahah. To feel sorry for oneself. I think feeling sad is a natural process too.

In hindsight, there are places you wish to be in or places you wish you'd never want to be in again. Maybe, just maybe, your life right now could actually be the best time of your life.

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