I remember writing this note about a year ago in April. My wkw senior now friend, Xiangyun, forced me, I mean MADE me write this.

She told me to list everything I wanted to do in my life. Every single thing I wanted to do. I sat down beside her at a cafe in National Gallery, and really thought about what I wanted to do. And as you can see, I had just returned from my trip so travel was first thing's first. And everything else was supposedly everything I would ever want to do. I'm looking at it again with fresh eyes like you, my reader, and there are a couple of things I don't remember writing like "Be a Mother" WOW I wrote that?? What in the world... And "Help the poor in Singapore" WOW I WROTE THAT TOO?? How altruistic! I don't remember at ALL what I wrote. Reading it again gives me the chuckles.

But it's also made me remember how terribly emotional I was back then. I mean, just look at the last two things that I wrote. "That friends and family know they are loved by me" and "Die knowing that I have lived" Gees, I sounded suicidal back then!?!? My memory is bad so looking at things now, I'd get surprised by things I wrote even just say, a few months back. But now the memory is returning... the feelings as well. I remember... feeling very.. how do I put it? I was feeling a lot of things at that point of time. The reason why Xiangyun made me write that note to myself was in a way, to motivate me, to get my act together and start doing things. I believe she must've felt something was off about me then. She's quite an inspiration herself. I was there keeping her company while she was working on a project and I remember her telling me about her intention to pursue a Master's (which she currently is btw!!) and all her aspirations, hopes and dreams. I felt happy for her, felt excited for her. Then I looked down at my list of things and felt disappointed. Like there's this huge mountain ahead. It felt so tall and insurmountable. Sounded so difficult and far away. So much things at once to complete. I wanted to do those things too, yet I had zero motivation to do anything at all.

I felt so tired, so... so lazy. I remember looking at everyone else, looking at Xiangyun, and thinking to myself, "how the hell does she have so much energy?" And then I looked at myself and wondered, where the hell did all my zest go to? How did I become such an empty shell? Listless, feeling so much sadness and unaware of it all. At that time, I actually thought I was okay, not sad, maybe just a changed person. And I was honestly quite scared I'd remain that way forever.

I had been a ghost of my former self. And I'd been living that way, unknowingly.

When I wrote those things on that piece of paper, I didn't even write it with much heart. I didn't even want to keep it. I didn't even know why I had to write it. By the way, I didn't even take that picture. Xiangyun took a picture of it and sent it to me to remind me of what was important.

Fast forward to now. And I'm here. Talking to you in 2017.

When I look back at how I got to where I am now, things became better. Slowly, and gradually. It wasn't easy. That road to recovery wasn't easy. But the main thing was things, got, better. And things got a whole lot better. Life got better.

I was thinking of signing up to do my driver's license a few days ago and then suddenly got reminded of this to-do list, which led to this post. And the reason why I'm writing this post is also because I'm trying to figure out how I recovered. I was stuck in a deep rut back then and I really thought I was never gonna come back out. I want to remember how sad I felt then too, and how I arrived here at this point of time in my life - energised, inspired, motivated and ready to get back into the daily grind.

I'm determined even, to work hard again and do what I do best. I'm trying to figure out how I got to that mindset shift.

I think it's that moment when I realised I was attaching my self, and self-worth to a lot of things in life - even circumstances, which are things that I can't control - that caused me to have that change in mindset. I've stopped expecting so much out of life. I didn't try to control every damn outcome in life. I simply accepted that life turns out the way it does and sometimes it's nothing to do with how I'm part of it and how I'm to blame for every little thing.

But I really don't know for sure. What I do know is that I'm glad I had my friends when I was stuck in that rut. I'm very aware of how lucky I was to have friends who were so supportive of me. If you've depression, you must reach out. You MUST. There will be friends who don't understand what you're going through but there will be some who will be willing to stick by you, and pull you out. Even when you feel like you're so alone. Only you can rescue you, but without that helping hand, you may not even be able to catch hold of anything. So reach out.

Xiangyun constantly called me out to meet her then and it was good because it kept my mind occupied lest it wandered too much. Always grateful to her for doing that. She's been a great supporter. And then there was Suxin. That one friend who really REALLY took me out of that hole by listening to what was going on in that head of mine. Simply being present when something was troubling me. And I'll never forget that.

At Suxin's place during CNY. My best friends at this point of time in ma life :)

Who'd do stoopid shiat with you

Who'd let you go by a day without makeup

At Huiquan's place. We hopped to each other's places. Hope it's gunna be a yearly tradition hehe

They came over to my place first actually haha

HAHA

We're doing the only pose that Suxin knows how to do. A hunch and a twist. Huiquan looks spazz.

Went around by car - Huiquan's! From East to North to West. Look at that tiny humannn behind that wheel Damn I really needa get that driver's license and terrorise others on the road

Yummy tums tums food that Suxin's mom cooked for us. Last year's dins was at my place. Seems like we're taking turns haha

And of course grateful for family too, no matter how retarded they may be.

Nostrils ;-)

Ma best workmate Shreeya Pillaiiii even tho diff departments now Photo was taken two days ago cos it's Current Affairs Department's last day at Caldecott and we just had to take a photo to commemorate our friendship that blossomed here!! Down that runway hahaha. When I was just a weeee intern.

Btw, I've something to announce. I PASSED MY VOICING AND PIECE-TO-CAMERA TEST!!!!!

Passed on my first attempt deyyyy

I look weird on camera la. Like my eyes look extra droopy man. And I really had to put a ton of makeup + pull my hair back + wear an office dress for this. Effort maxxxx.

But I was frakkin ECSTATIC when I found out I passed cos I knew it'd be a very long drawn process if I didn't. The people who are on the judging panel only come together once every three months to watch our clips and so if I fail, I'll have to continuously submit clips over the course of many months just to get it passed. My colleagues warned me that it wouldn't be easy passing and that there were folks who took years before they pass. So I told myself, I'm going to have to pass this one time and get it done and over with. I did it and NOW I'M OVER THE MOON!!!!!

This also means that I'll have ownership of my story. I can voice my own stories and do everything knowing that hey, I can call it my own :-)

There are bigger things to come. Now I just need to get my writing sorted. Then get confirmed as a full-time staff. And then... hey hey hey, you might just be seeing me out on the streets doing my own stories real soon hehe.

So, here I am. 2017. Feeling rejuvenated. Energised. Ready to rock n roll. This was what I was talking about when I said I'd rise again. And I'm sooo excited.

For anyone who's feeling like they'll never get out. Stick it out. Stick it out longer because you will pull through. It's easy to end the pain, here and now. In fact, it takes a lot of courage to do that. But it takes even more courage to live it out. To hold it out. And wait.

This isn't just coming from me. I've spoken to people, and I've talked to a friend who suffers from depression and we were talking about troubled youth and she said she wish she could just tell them, "You only have to wait." Things will get better. They always do.

And that list? I'll be ticking them off one at a time, just you wait and see!