With the White Paper on women's development being published today, I thought it was apt that I talk about marriage and babies. I was actually already on my bed but thoughts kept coming to my head so I thought ah what the heck, let's just write them down.

As I turn 30 this year, society will start putting labels on women like me. Labels like expiration dates for finding a man and giving birth.

I applaud the announcement to allow the freezing of eggs for both single and married women. I know there's also a lot of discussion about the fact that only married women will get to eventually use those eggs for reproduction - but let's have that conversation another day.

I for one, am really happy to hear such an announcement because for me, I have no plans to become a mother anytime soon. Or at least as much as I can control with the use of contraception. It's also a breath of fresh air, cuz it feels like I won't need to start counting down my biological clock, even though it is a real problem for women. I just really hate knowing that time is running out. Now, there's at least an option if I'm really too late, so it's made it less pressurising for me. The pressure is still there for sure, seeing my friends and cousins popping babies and some trying really hard to make a baby. 

Don't get me wrong - I love babies, the smell of babies, and the sight of them. I like the thought of having one of my own to love, nurture and call my own. I look at my niece (she's turning two in aug!!) and I love her so much. I often wonder what it's like to have one like her. But honestly, I don't want one yet, especially when I've all my dreams and ambitions to fulfil. 

All I know is, before I came to know my partner, I had a whole bucket of dreams to fulfil and working + living abroad was on that list. It was extremely high on that list, in fact it was top of the list. I wasn't even thinking about getting hitched, let alone make babies. It was always a dream to at least have that opportunity before I die, to live overseas for at least two years or so. I know.. it'll never happen for me once I settle down with kids and all that. It's just impossible. So I really want to do this while I'm still young.

I never thought this was wrong, since my circle of friends at that time, was also just as single as I was. And I hung out with wkwsci friends a lot more back then, who were very much liberal in their thoughts and ideas. Turns out, not everyone thinks the same way.

Once, a friend's fiance questioned me for placing my ambitions and career ahead of family. I simply said, it's something important to me and I'd be unhappy if I didn't get to do these things before starting my own family. I knew that it's essential that I fulfil my own needs before creating life. It's a huge responsibility and not something to trifle with. But he thought there was something wrong with me - like there was a problem with my values, for placing career ahead of family. (He's catholic btw which might explain) "There must be a reason why you place family beneath your career? Why are your ambitions more important than the people you love?" You see where that conversation was going? It was a slippery slope - I wasn't saying family isn't important. There are just different priorities at different points in life. Yet, he didn't agree with what I was saying. Neither did I take his comments well. In fact, I felt like crying as I felt guilty. Was I a bad human for thinking the way I did? Did I not love my family that much? Sometimes, I wonder if he'd say the same things if I were a man. Unfortunately, my friends didn't help me or correct him. They were silent, as they too, were on their way to getting married and making babies themselves. I wouldn't blame them because we all have different life goals and priorities.

Thankfully, my partner doesn't think the same way as my friend's partner did. He understands where I'm coming from and I told him since the start of our relationship that hey, this is important to me, this is what I hope to do. I understand if you can't really see this through and if you might not want to be with someone like me - the sort who isn't domesticated, and largely career-driven. I thought it was important to get this out of the way at the beginning of our courtship. He's been really patient and supportive, and I'm really lucky because not all men understand. Though I acknowledge there's a growing number of men in Singapore like him, as times change and gender roles sometimes reverse.

With that said, when we do eventually get married and if a baby comes along the way early - I'll welcome the little one with open arms. It's a blessing, even if I've to put my dreams aside. It's not like I'll abort the kid or something. What's meant to be, will be. Maybe I'll adapt and do things differently. One who dares to dream big while raising her kid. It will be tough, but I'll make it work somehow.

In the meantime, you won't be seeing me walking around with a stroller or with a crying child on my hip just yet. Even if you did, I'd be balancing the child on one side, and multi-tasking on the phone the other side hahaha. And you sure won't be receiving weird questions from me that you get every CNY, because I don't like putting that pressure on others either. Everyone's minding their own business, living their own lives the way they want. They can have eight babies, one baby or no baby - I frankly don't give a damn. Neither should your parents or society, but sadly, that isn't how the world works. So we just have to live and let live.

I'm excited for more changes. I actually think flexible work arrangements that's passed and allowed under Singapore's law would be great. We've all felt the benefits of wfh due to the pandemic. I might even consider having a baby earlier with flexible work arrangements, if my plans to work abroad fall through. It will really help with parenthood so much more. But baby steps (no pun intended), till we get there as a society.