all my life, i've never actually subscribed to a religion. my parents are equally religion-free so my brother and i were brought up the same way. but we were free to explore different beliefs, and my brother became a christian somewhere along the way. as for myself, i always believed in the existence of a higher being, that god exists somewhere in this universe... and so i'd explore religiously (no pun intended) the different beliefs. christianity, catholicism, buddhism, even islam. 

but very recently.. maybe a few months ago? something changed. it's like a switch went off inside me.

there were a couple nights, maybe more, i simply could not fall asleep cuz i thought so much about death and the afterlife that i couldn't stop crying. it was the sort of cry that's uncontrollable. it dawned on me that... the reality is there's no afterlife. this is it. we're living this life and then we die, that's it. we're gone, for good. there's no heaven, or hell, no god or devil. it's just us breathing, living, and then dying. inexplicably. we're reduced to dust at the end of the day. whoever said humans have souls.. all of that is bollocks to me. what makes humans any different from animals and the plants and trees? nothing, we're just simply living organisms. 

religions to me, are man-made narratives, created to help soothe mankind's anxieties of the afterlife. to soothe our fragile egos and fears, as we're all too afraid to face the truth of our mortality.

if i could find a reason for me feeling this way, i think it's a video i watched that showed earth in a microscopic way, and i saw how god damn small we are in this huge universe.. i experienced an existential crisis and felt my skin crawl. 

from then on, slowly, i began to believe that there's no god. and this is what i've slowly become, an atheist.

i used to think atheists are simply pessimists in life. but now, i completely understand. we're just confronting... reality? 

to me, this life that we live is just made up of a series of choices, decisions and actions we make in life. i see no higher power influencing the fate of our lives... and at the end of the day, whether you make good or bad decisions, it ultimately has zero consequences when you die. we don't stand on higher moral ground than murderers and rapists... at the end, we're just all the same. 

with that said however, becoming an atheist has also given me a different kind of perspective. ironically, an optimistic one. and that's to appreciate whatever i was born with in this life. because i really only have one life and that's it. this body, this face, my mind, my personality, the family i have and friends i've come to make. i only have one chance to make it good, and i want to live it the best way possible. and i'm doing this simply because i want to make it count, to make this life count. i'm not doing this because i want to be judged by god in the afterlife, but because i know that everything ends.. so i might as well make it a life well-lived... 

here i am, typing this, and tearing again. sigh. 

sunrise from my hotel in taipei

every sunrise, sunset, or beautiful scene i witness before me, i now have a deeper appreciation and come to mindfully, purposefully soak it all in, as if it were my last.

it also makes me x100000 more wistful and sad about deaths. because i truly believe i'll never see the people i love again.... and it really pains me so.. it's something i will continue to struggle and come to terms with for the rest of my life.

yet, becoming an atheist also makes me braver as i'm willing to submit to my fears and confront them head-on, instead of leaving it to fate or destiny or the unknown. 

this was something i've been meaning to type for a long time, and i'm glad to finally pen my thoughts. sorry if it's really doomsday-like. can't help it haha. who knows, years down the road, my perspective might change again, we'll see.