It is a little late to come up with a New Year's Resolution... and normally, by the middle of the year I'd probably forget about the resolution haha. But anyway, here it is,

My New Year's Resolution




Sounds like a damn easy thing to do huh? FAIL JUST FAIL LIKE A WHALEEEEEE.

Yeap, that's right. I'm all out to fail this year. Hahahah, ok, on second thought, that's quite senseless. I don't wanna fail my exams man!?

But anyway, I must tell you.... all my life... I never realised this until now, and that is- I've always had great fun and crazy ideas, to do things I've always wanted to, but have never gotten down to doing it coz I'm so afraid of failing. Like a freakin whale. I gotta stop doing that whale thing huh hahaha but it rhymes so well! I can't..


Failure. Has always plagued me and been something I cannot naturally take into my stride or accept. I mean, nobody can, but it affects me in ways I never knew was quite destructive... leading to something bigger as I grew up.

Whenever I imagine doing something crazy, say, explore a haunted house with friends, the initial thought would be, "HELL YEAH LET'S GO DO THAT OMG YEAH LET"S DO IT". Subsequently, other thoughts would come by and override, like.. "What if it's not as fun as I think it'll be", "Maybe it's just a silly old mansion, nobody's gonna think it's fun, nobody's gonna take on the idea", "I'm gonna get one of us killed", "We'll go to jail for that". In the end, I retract the idea. And I lose my sense of confidence in pulling through any idea.

Even the simplest things, I wouldn't dare to do. Learning something new, speaking up, asking. I guess when I was really young, I already felt that way. I never wanted to be that kid who asked questions and asked stupid questions and end up being laughed at by the entire class. FAIL. I'd never try to ANSWER questions for fear that it may be wrong. And I'd be deemed stupid. And yes, FAIL. I wouldn't want to ask that scary aunty for more chilli coz I'd be frightened if she scolded me. Does she not like me!? FAIL>

Yes, sometimes I feel extremely fragile and vulnerable. Why am I such a softie?!

When I think of it, I wish as a kid, I was able to laugh along if I was laughed at, or think that I helped clear up some other kid's doubts with the question I asked, and shrug if I ever got scolded. Or even point a certain human-forbid finger. I'm just kidding. How rude huh this kid. No manners.


I was clearing up my room today and I read a diary that I used to write in daily, which was dated back in 2003. Ten years ago, Primary 5. It was just a tiny part, maybe 2 sentences, about how I tried to barbecue but my dad told me I did it wrongly. And I gave up trying to.

Part of me honestly wants to blame my upbringing, that my dad was impatient with me whenever he tried to teach me to do something new. I was and still am a slow learner and not grasping concepts fast enough sometimes got on my dad's nerves. Boy, he would show it and I'd get scared. He would sometimes tell me that I'm doing things wrongly and not right. And in that process, probably gave up trying to teach several times lol lol! And even if he tried to continue putting up with this silly child of his, I'd have shut off from listening and instead of trying to focus to back on track, I'd be pondering on what I did wrong and asking myself what exactly did I not do right. So that is probably the reason why I grew up being afraid because I was too concerned about not getting things right, and why I wasn't able to please my dad when I was younger.

I think I took things a bit too personally and would blame myself for almost anything till I've grown up and become less confident in things I want to suggest or give ideas for. Because I'm not sure if I'm saying things right or whether it'd go down well with others.


Which is why, Project Discussions can be quite tough. Sometimes I'd wonder if others are feeling the same way as well, but I'm never sure. Brainstorming for ideas is the toughest thing and first hurdle any group must overcome. It is the most important as well coz it roughly paves the steps needed to be taken for the completion of the project. So, everyone gets down to thinking and suggesting ideas. I ALWAYS have trouble with voicing my ideas. Kinda hard to imagine right? You might see me as someone goofy and loud but really, when it comes to this, somehow, something seems to be gripping my windpipe and in effect, silencing me. Lol, what a way to describe. But yes!! What goes on in my head? Well, a brilliant idea might've popped out. I am about to tell my group mates about it. Then, I stop myself. And second-think it. "WOW, really? That's quite a stupid lame idea." or try to guess what my group mates would think about even before they actually hear it out. And BECAUSE of that, when I eventually muster the courage to say it, it comes out awkwardly, with me half-laughing at my own idea. But my eyes will be darting about at my group mates' faces to see if they're catching on the idea or not. No? Then there's that sinking feeling. I conclude that I suck at providing ideas. So I stop saying anything.

THEN! Somebody mentions that idea you've been toying about in your brain for minutes. THAT CHEATER BUG! HE STOLE MY IDEA, THAT BASTARD. But no, it was because you never mentioned it, you asshole. And I've done this too many times. I would even say, "Omg, that's what I was thinking as well". I've done this so many times that once, a friend once said out loud, "Eh, that's what you always say leh. Next time just say lah, no one here will judge you!"

EVEN I AGREE. BUT. BUTTTT. It's just SO DAMN HARD!!! In my head I'm thinking, "Yes Yes! Of course I will say it! But I JUST CAN'TTTTTT!!!!"

Bloody turmoil in my head I swear. Freakin war.

Alright, even if you did manage to somehow voice your idea with utmost confidence, what deters you to speak up again is because SOMEONE SHOT DOWN YOUR IDEA OMG THAT'S LIKE THE MOST UNIMAGINABLE THING THAT CAN HAPPEN. So you retract into your shell, wounded like a squirrel with a gunshot to your... not even your body... YOUR TAIL. Just a little teeny tail. But you feel as if the world is craaaaashing down on you hahahaha. But yeah, that's how I feel sometimes. I AM SUCH a softie.

In the end, I'd go along with someone else's brilliantly awesome idea. OR bad idea sometimes. Coz I wouldn't dare to voice out what I think is wrong with it. Somehow I'd think, even if I did, I might be the only one thinking that way. How could I do this.


Honestly, I've tried to fight this. I have. But not enough.

And I will STILL fight it. I shouldn't be afraid of the f word. F for Failure. Fight it! The world's not gonna end if you faillll.

So, as you can see, just one small simple thing like a project discussion can make me feel like that. Talk about other worse things that can happen. Other kinds of failure. It'll definitely crush me.

SO, I've got to learn how to go up against that, to tell myself, hey, It's Ok. You can always come back up again and stand on your own bloody two feet.

And by doing so, I can think positively in life.

Another effect of the thought of failure has moulded me to become a cynic/ skeptic. I dared not give myself too high expectations. The thought of not achieving plunges me into self-reflection and doubt. I think negatively. I think about the worst that can happen. So that I'd never feel bad about anything if it didn't work out. Coz well, I've thought about the worst. Yes, it has happened to me before when I thought about rainbows and unicorns but all that I got was mud and drizzle. Depressing. So I thought, ah, whattheheck shan't dream about too much happy things.

I really need to stop doing this to myself.

I need to stop second-thinking myself. BE IN THE NOW. Be mindful of what I'm doing. Don't overthink all the time. Stop it, it's self-destructive.


Ahhhh, it feels good just typing all of this out. I've a feeling... this doesn't only happen to me. If it does to you, well I hope this New Year's Resolution works out for you as well. DON"T LET THE FEAR OF STRIKING OUT kill you from doing so many amazing things. Oh how cliche, but true!

Looking at it from a bigger perspective, this is really just one of those life leassons to be learnt along the way. And I really do hope I'd overcome such a fear. It can be consuming.

I believe I can't totally stop it, but every little small step to try to prevent it from haunting my every move probably helps eventually in the long run when I make bigger and more important decisions.

To be confident is too broad a thing to say, I think everyone needs to specifically know what they are targetting at. For me, it is this and yeahhhh I hope this New Year's Resolution will at least be consciously thought of every time I think of doing something. Even if this New Year's Resolution wasn't fulfilled, hey, at least I'm still me. It's not always that I've to become someone GREAT.. I just have to be myself. A little improved.

I hate quotes and supposedly very meaningful quotes like the one I posted here, but I'd make this an exception. It resonates a lot within me. Can't believe it takes a read at a website, yesandyes.org and a bit of song listening from The Naked and Famous to get me thinking.


I'm out to fail this 2013. Please guide me, Almighty One, whoever and whereever you are/ Goodness, it's 5:40am. Time for bed.