Before I move on to telling you more fun and happy stuff, I think it's essential to walk through with you what was going on in my life f...

An impassioned cry

Before I move on to telling you more fun and happy stuff, I think it's essential to walk through with you what was going on in my life for the first half of 2016.

Let me just tell you, that the past few months were excruciatingly painful. You guys followed my posts and they were the darkest days of my life. Believe me, I had never felt so lost before. I was crying almost every day in February and March, for my own pain, my own struggle and the slightest of emotions that I heard and saw each day.

As you all know, I was struggling with many things - a loss of direction in my career path and the passing of a friend. But I hadn't told you guys that I was also struggling with coming to terms with a friendship that will never return to what it used to be.

In the midst of grappling with so many things at once, I lost myself. I succumbed to what life threw at me and I crumbled. To a point that I can say that I had a glimpse into what depression is like. When every ounce of you feels like living is a chore.

I had lost meaningfulness and that meant that I had lost a huge part of my soul.

Why was that difficult for me? Because all my life... I had always known what to do. I was driven by my purpose. I was resolute in executing what I had to do. And I had no fear in the relentlessness of it all. I was on fire....... But it was also simply because - I was in control. And when unexpected events came into my life and when questions, doubts and irrational thoughts filled my everyday, I went up in flames and sank into an abyss.

Then came April, when I went to London. Still tired and listless.... Until I met so many amazing individuals. I was inspired by a lot of what happened while I was there and you can read them here & here.  It was a huge turning point for me and I will never regret going to London on my own and searching for myself again.

They say April is the cruelest month,

And I will say that May is a month for healing.

I recovered gradually while I got back into the grind of work through researching on the race documentary (which I am still working on currently). I was waking up early to go to work, calling people and running around. But I had had a very very slow start. I was in a lull because I was still healing and there were mental barriers to overcome.

Then the last day of May, just a few days ago, was the ultimate closure of my painful journey.

I cried at work.

When my colleague was giving me feedback and telling me how I seemed like I was not performing up to par, and that I hadn't been prioritising things right, I felt the need to tell her the root cause of it all. And how things snowballed because I was at a slow start in the beginning.

I told her of my struggle with how I felt that I had lost meaning in what I did in the media industry. How the stories we did were not reaching out to a wider audience. That whatever we did weren't of much use. That we were not contributing back to the very people who were lending us their stories. Stories that were so private and precious. Stories that I felt didn't deserve being exposed when they were shared so lovingly to me. I was sick of that. Sick of using people's stories for a show that I was to produce, which would never reap much call to action. I had had enough. I couldn't see a point in doing what I did anymore. And because my career plays a huge part in my life, I inevitably lost the meaning of it all.

While speaking to her, my voice cracked and I knew I couldn't bear it anymore. The tears flowed. And it was the kind of crying that required gulps of air. So you can imagine what I was feeling when that happened:

Shame. Embarrassment. And well, more shame because I knew the entire office knew I was crying and I had broken my unspoken rule that 'one should never cry in the office lest one loses professionalism'

But it was a cathartic process and there was so much that I had kept inside and hidden from view. Hidden from even myself. So much accumulation of a mixture of emotions, pent up frustration and sadness. I remembered it all. And I was terribly sad for myself and what I went through. It was a tough phase and I grieved for myself.

With that impassioned cry, I had released it all. I finally let it all go~ all of the past, go.

My friend listened to me earnestly and even cried with me. She had the same troubles, worries and struggles as I did during her 3 years of producing documentaries. All of what I felt, she felt it too. And I was truly touched that someone felt the same way as I did. That I wasn't alone in feeling the emptiness and the desperation of yearning for more to happen. More conversations to take place. More rallying of action.

And I know it is strange that despite it all, I have returned to the media industry. 

I think it is all those questions that have helped to strengthen my conviction of what it is that I really want to do. What I really want to do with my life.

"Not until we are lost, do we begin to understand ourselves" - Henry David Thoreau

When I graduated from University, I thought I was unstoppable and that I was the grown woman that I thought I was. But it is this phase that has taught me that I will never stop growing. And I will never stop learning about myself. My beliefs strengthen as I search deep, and fall in love again with what I already know is true to my heart. And it took me a painful lesson to tell me that life takes its own turns and directions. I will have to roll with it - all the highs and lows, sharp bends and jagged edges - Embrace them all.

With that said, remember what I said about the public service sector when I blogged about it here?

I have not given up.

I only believe that it is not the right time for me to enter it. Because at this moment, I will use the time to build myself up and ready myself for what is to come. I will take these few years as a journalist to go on the ground and find out the issues of the community. Then, I will be surer and clearer of what beats in the hearts and minds of my fellow Singaporeans.

It will give me a better perspective and I will use this time that I have wisely.

A long journey it will be ahead of me. But right now, I am sure that every step I take, will anchor me in a positive direction. The hits will come and I will take them in my stride as I continue marching on.


It is currently June.

And June will be the time when I find my strength again.

I feel myself transforming and I think it is quite amazing to be aware of what is happening. It is as if, I were reborn again. Like a phoenix that turned into ashes and rose again - Ready to spread its wings to soar once more.

"They can carry immensely heavy loads. Their tears have healing powers." - Albus Dumbledore

You may also like

No comments:

Blog Archive