It's true..

Before waltzing into my new job, I came with an open heart. Not much expectations. Of myself or of anyone. And not really knowing what would lie ahead.

I just knew that at the end of each day, I'd like to end my day well.

But of course, I don't achieve that feeling all the time. Sometimes, happy and elated at achieving my first milestone or even the slightest task. Like just last week I produced my first ever story for SG Night Fest. Or other things like being sent out for breaking news. It's adrenaline-pumping and very exciting.

Then there are some days when I make mistakes or worse, have miscommunication with my colleagues.

Sometimes I think that work is never tough. Once you've mastered the ropes, getting from point A to B is easy. So it is never the work that is tiring - it is the people whom you've to deal with. And that's where it gets tricky.

Being the new person around, making mistakes is forgivable but patience wears out quickly in the newsroom and there are a lot of times when I feel the need to prove my worth, and maybe even fight to show that I am capable.

And being new, my social circle hasn't formed yet. My colleagues haven't grown to know the person that I am and neither have I... I don't know whom to trust, and whom to confide in. When I need to ask for help or simply have someone to talk to, it is quite difficult. I know there are one or two of my workmates whom I can rely on, but the relationships aren't as deep yet. There are things... that I simply can't talk about.

So... I do feel quite alone at times.

I tell myself that things will tide over. And trust will build overtime.

Yet, a part of me thinks that this is what work is. It is the nature of work. It isn't like school where all colleagues can be friends. There is a certain degree of passive-aggressiveness and over-politeness. They are things that can't be overcome even with the grace of time. It is what it is.

I suppose this is my transition to the real world and my ideals are put to the test. There isn't space to be vulnerable - because not everybody appreciates it and not everyone wants that in the workplace. It's about getting the job done and ensuring that each has their own backsides covered.

That's what makes it difficult.

In my new workplace, they know me as "the one who came from the Current Affairs department". And they'd always ask how's it like over there. I tell them that I actually prefer my work now compared to back then. However, the one thing that I like back where I was, would be the network formed over the years with people I've come to trust. I feel absolutely at home there with colleagues whom I can definitely say, are my friends. Whom I can call on, even for personal matters. Who without a doubt, would also call on me should they need help.

It isn't the same now. Here, I'm always on my tippy toes, unsure of what's expected of me or the intentions behind what's being said.

So whenever I see my previous colleagues walk by, my face would awash with signs of glee.

Yet.. if you asked me if I'd like to return to my old place, I'd say no. Because it is comfort. And I think I tend to get complacent when there is comfort. It is only when I have a mammoth task ahead, do I get my game on.

I feel lonely now. And I'm glad I'm aware of how I'm feeling because... it might affect my work later had I not been.

One consolation is knowing that I'm not alone in feeling alone. A quick google search and out came articles from Harvard Business Review, Guardian and Huffington Post that talk about how work loneliness is a real issue out there.

That even though the office is bustling with activity, people can feel very lonely as well because of the inability to connect in a place where we spend most of our day at.

Well, what I can do now is focus on my potential for doing great work and at the same time, continue being my optimistic self. To come to work not knowing how my day will turn out and still be unafraid of being my best self. Because I still believe that in time to come, people will see me for who I am.

All I need to do is to show up. And that in itself, is a courageous act.