Yknow after writing that final post of my SEA tour, I feel like I've closed an important chapter in my life. And... a new chapter is ...

Sometimes the moments that never happen... matter the most


Yknow after writing that final post of my SEA tour, I feel like I've closed an important chapter in my life. And... a new chapter is about to begin. There are incremental changes to the way I think and feel and talk these days. And I think, this is the start of womanhood for me.

Remember when I talked about how I realised I hadn't become a woman, and that I was still coming to terms with a lot of things in my head? I'm a lot at peace with myself now. It was a bit of a struggle back then... me in the midst of transforming into a woman. At 24 going on 25. Pretty slow, but hey, never late in the journey of life haha.

I think writing that last post has allowed me to digest all that had happened to me and what I've learnt. It was the final step in my transition from girlhood to womanhood and to life here in Singapore. Cliche as it may be, I think that's what travel does to you. I've learnt that my world is really so small compared to this vast, expansive universe - it sounds scary but exciting at the same time. It's not me, me, me anymore. And I no longer need to care about things like the need to be liked by everyone, to be the best at everything, and to be in control of everything...

While reading a book, given to me by a colleague, called "Ministry of Moral Panic" by Amanda Lee Koe, I read this story about a frog in the well - a quick google search would tell you it's a Chinese idiom. It's about a frog who was stuck in a well but all the while, thought he was living in an amazing world where it was just him swimming inside and having the time of his life. One day, a sea turtle came by, and told him what a wondrous world it was out there... the ocean, other sea creatures... a lot more than where he lived. The frog immediately felt embarrassed after realising he'd been living in a small, sheltered world.

I was that frog. In many ways. Thinking I was awesome and living my life to the fullest, not realising I really actually am just a tiny speck - which used to scare me. But if I had to choose being in a world where I thought I was the greatest and the best, yet not realising that there were a lot of things I still didn't know.... or choose to be a tiny grain in this giant planet, even with so much uncertainty but a lot to explore....

I think the answer is clear.

I used to expect a lot of things to happen my way. And I'd construct my entire reality in my mind and put all of my hopes up. And when things didn't actually go the way I'd imagined it to, everything would come crashing down. I wasn't actually living. I was just swimming in my own head.

This world may be scary. And there may be a lot of things that are out of my control, out of my hands. Which can also be so thrilling. I can choose to worry and be anxious about what I don't know. About what should be instead of what could be... or I can choose to be open about what's out there. What I can learn, take in, and discover, while staying this humble speck of nothingness...

... leaving behind my sense of self, ego and pride, for something bigger.

There's still so much out there, and hell, I'm shit-ass scared! But I'm also shit-ass brave! And I will look beyond fear, even if it's staring down my soul. Still so so much to explore and discover in this world.

p/s watch the Volvo ad above! sums up this post beautifully :-)

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