I had a chat with a Muslim colleague back in June when it was the fasting period. I was sitting beside him and wondering why the hell he was sucking on a sweet, and I noticed an opened bottle of green tea on his table. First thing that came to my head, "wah this one rebel ah".

So dearie me just had to ask... with hesitation and a sense of trepidation... why wasn't he fasting like the rest of the Muslims.

He wasn't offended or anything, in fact, he was quite happy to answer me. "I'm questioning my relationship with my Creator". I was quite surprised by his answer because I had always assumed Muslims were always quite certain of their faith because most of them, in fact, almost all Malays that I know, were born into the religion. Cradle believers. Seeing how they're always so disciplined in prayer (every friday, and certain times of the day), I thought they'd never question. Were they even allowed to question??

He said he didn't want to fast this year because he wanted time off to think about his religion. I didn't get to ask what was bugging him, but as with all things intangible like faith, I suppose he was struggling in believing the Almighty's existence. He even cited how someone so pious like Mother Theresa questioned her relationship with God, suggesting that he wasn't alone in his thoughts. I read about her story too and understood where he was coming from.

Then it was my turn.

"What's your religion? Are you a Christian?" I shook my head, smiled, stretched my arms and said, "I'm a freethinker!" A bit too jolly I reckon haha. He smiled and said, "Do you believe in a God then?" I said that although I don't adhere to any one religion, I would like to believe that there is a God. That's the idealist in me talking.

I continued, "I don't have a religion because..." :

1) I've always believed that religions were man-made to quell man's fears - the afterlife. Therefore the creation of heaven and hell, good and evil, right and wrong.

2) Religions are backwarded. Traditionalist. And because most of them refuse to evolve with the times, and because they're guarded with so much sanctity, some people have chosen to "protect" the erosion of "morality". At all costs. Resulting in extremism and fundamentalism, which leads me to my next point.

3) Religion has caused so much death, destruction and war to mankind. More than race and the colour of your skin, I've witnessed religion having power over any other factor to tear relationships and breed distrust amongst people. Working in the newsroom where I get to read stories from around the world, I see people fighting every single day merely because of their differing faiths.

The latter reason has always troubled me, ever since I was in JC when I studied History. In our essays, we could never leave out 'Differences in ideologies' as a factor in all the wars that started. I think if you leave it out, your essay sure fail. Palestine and Israel, India and Pakistan - never-ending wars since decades ago unresolved till this very day. And right now, even Buddhism - one of the most peaceful religions - is at war with Islam, the Rohingyas in Myanmar.

But I can never understand why people have to fight, because at the end of the day, I see that all of us - men, women, homo, muslim or buddhist - we all meet the same fate when we die.

And if there is a God, I see him welcoming all of us with open arms. "Believer" or not.

I told my colleague, "When I see Muslims, Jews and Christians fight one another, I feel like telling them, your God is the same God. You're all fighting for the same holy site - Jerusalem. And your religious scriptures have so many overlaps, (Jesus was a Jew. Both Allah and Jesus were messengers. Various persons in the Koran and Bible have similar stories), why can't you see that you're actually brothers in faith?"

Please, put down your arms and stop killing yourselves. If I were God, I would wake up all of your ideas.

Then of course, there are the many other questions such as, if God were here then why would he want to cause so much death and destruction. why make us suffer. why this and that.

Haiya, I also dunno la.

My colleague laughed and he agreed with what I said earlier.

I asked him, "Do you talk about this with your friends?". He nodded. "Are they Muslim?" He shook his head and replied, "Catholic".

I wasn't told why, but I'm thinking it's not easy to talk about questions of faith with your own community for a fear of being judged. That you're a bad apple for even asking these questions. They'd say trust in the path that God has for you and your obedience will be duly rewarded.

But I sincerely believe that God wants you to question too. Otherwise, what's a relationship with God when it's blind faith? Each time you question is an opportunity for a relationship renewal. It's always a work-in-progress.

There are also a few more reasons as to why I don't have a religion. This, I did not tell my colleague simply because the reasons never crossed my mind at the time. But more importantly, they're reasons that are a lot deeper and specific than the three I mentioned above.

If you think that I formulated all of my ideas on my own without being open to explore, you are wrong. Because I have. Many times. I've lost count of the different Protestant churches I've been to - even in other countries like New Zealand and Myanmar. I have visited Buddhist temples, as well as Catholic churches. (I've never been to a mosque and hindu temple though because of a difference in cultures and a lack of friends from those faiths) But I have tried.

Here's what I think about my experience so far:

1) I don't trust all religious leaders. Despite the numerous times that I've visited churches and attended service, I find it hard to subscribe to Christianity, especially to charismatic churches because they're too complicated. The language in which they speak is convoluted and laden with unnecessary emotion. I listen to the pastor, and while there are various times when I walk away feeling inspired, there have been too many times when I call out their bullshit. Instead of teachings, they play on human vulnerabilities and exploit them. Then when money comes into the equation, religious leaders themselves fall into a spiral of lies, deceit and corruption.

2) I don't trust all the people who attend these religious congregations. Many of them think they have higher moral authority than everyone else - I don't agree. You're not a Saint and like everyone else, you sin and commit mistakes. Who are you to judge? What's worse is that I've seen church goers judge other church goers. I don't think God rewards the person who prays the most number of times or dresses the best on Sundays. Life is not a competition to win God's favour.

To me, a relationship with God is simple. Just you and him and nothing else in-between.

Finally, there is one last reason why I still haven't subscribed to a religion:

3) There is a part of me that believes that actually, out there, somewhere, there is no God. That, there simply is no reason to our existence. How we are created. Why we are created. That these questions will never be answered. If you look at the cycle of life - Taoism is right. Everything exists in cycles. We live, we die and another life is born somewhere. That the best we can do is live the best life that we have now, where each day is to be thankful for and time spent with people we love is precious.

While it is a scary scenario and one that I do not advocate, I am not ruling it out either.

Death has been the one question no man has ever answered since the dawn of time - and there is a part of me that concedes. I surrender to the unknown. I won't bring in the discourse of Science VS Religion because I see those two as disparate. I believe there is a spiritual realm out there, which science cannot explain.

Ever since I was young, as far as my memory can go, I have always feared death - not knowing what would happen to me and that I will never see my loved ones again. Because of this, I cry when I think about death. But it also makes me laugh because I fear nothing else - not bugs, not ghosts, not public speaking.

I will never say never though. One day, I might subscribe to a religion when I'm convinced. When perhaps, the fear of death becomes too overwhelming. Or if a spiritual encounter comes round the corner.

I told my colleague that Buddhism and Christianity appeal to me. Buddhism for its teachings and Christianity for the idea of a benevolent God.

He nodded with a pensive look on his face. I leave him be and we carried on with work.

I really enjoyed that conversation. And if more people are willing to talk about their religious beliefs, in a respectful manner, we're one step towards understanding each other. That's what the world is lacking, and that's what we need if we want to live together.