i want to type this down before i forget everything heh! recently, one night, i was having a conversation with my brother. he said, "...

external gratification

i want to type this down before i forget everything heh!

recently, one night, i was having a conversation with my brother. he said, "sometimes the most outwardly cheerful people are the saddest". i had a good long think about it... why?

i think i know why. hear me out.

it sounds very all-encompassing and doesn't necessarily reflect everyone in the category but for ease of explanation, let's label expressive people as extroverts and non-expressive people as introverts. (i know a lot of people will say "but outgoing people can be introverts too what" and yada yada but again, for ease of explanation hold your horses, that's what labels are for haha)

extroverts tend to be louder and chirpier and they seem to be confident people because afterall, it seems as if they don't seem to care about what others think of them, they do what they like and are having a good time. a display of confidence.

at the same time, i believe extroverts tend to want more outwardly expressions of feedback. because to project outward confidence, there is also a need for a return of the same intensity. they yearn to know what others think of them. that sounds kinda cheem, but stay with me. basically, extroverts tend to need external gratification. it's not a want, but a need. it's their vote of confidence.

for example, and apologies for the lack of a better example, people who love hugs tend to love to receive hugs too. they hug others because they want to be hugged too. they express it, and hope to receive it.

perhaps, expressing outwardly would mean they'd usually want to receive forms of outwardly love too.

back to what my brother said, "sometimes the happiest people tend to be the saddest". perhaps happy people who encourage and help others because... they too need it. and sometimes unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

external gratification tends to be scary because it isn't reliable. it's not long-lasting or enduring.

another example: pretty girls tend to need people to tell them they're pretty (even though they've been told they're pretty a number of times) because they expect to receive compliments. that's a form of gratification. when they don't receive them, it can be quite crushing. a person of average looks may not expect that form of external gratification, and are content. they don't rely on that form of external gratification to feel good about themselves.

another example: i think this explains why kids who are often told verbally that they're good early on in life may be reliant on external forms of feedback and gratification later on in life. so when they grow older, if they don't have that kind of gratification, they fumble.

another example: likes. facebook likes. instagram likes. we need to know we are liked by the number of likes. so sometimes people post loads of stuff online (appears extroverted), but perhaps they actually just need that gratification of being told they're beautiful (for selfies) or their photography is good.

another example: drugs. it serves as a form of gratification/ escapism for the momentary pain. it's addictive cos it makes a person feel good. or gives that illusion.

another example: travel, adventure. it's also a form of external gratification. i mean, extroverts tend to like the adrenaline that comes with it.

so in other words.... the intensity of what extroverts need to receive is far greater - which means, expectations are far greater.

they need to be the best, the greatest. and to know if they're the best, they compare. that's their downfall.

i'm not sure if i'm making much sense but i hope you're still wth me as i try to navigate through my own thoughts.

you see, that's why sometimes quiet people are the most confident. they draw from inner strength. there is no need for people to tell them that they're good. they know they're good. and sometimes that comes from deep within. there is a sense of calm.

they don't need to compare themselves with others, they don't expect to receive anything - no external gratification.

but it's not the end for extroverts.

in other words, "outwardly happy people tend to be the saddest" may not always be true as well. we can debunk that hypothesis.

happy people CAN show they are outwardly happy AND also be confident at the same time.

the trick? as long as they don't expect external gratification all the time. sometimes it's good, we all need to be told we're good to feel good about ourselves. to be confident that we're making the right choices. but we cannot rely on it all the time. because external gratification is addictive and sadly, unreliable. we cannot expect to receive external gratification constantly.

how do we feel internally good then?

that is the trick to true happiness i believe. and i truly think it's not expecting too much of oneself. to know that we are already good, no matter what. i repeat, no matter what. that we are doing our best no matter what. regardless. we are good and we are loved whoever we choose to be, whatever our actions, however imperfect we may be.

that's the trick to inner security, confidence and happiness. i truly believe so.

sounds like a very nirvana post. a bit ah? but it was quite a revelation to me. and i want to write it down to get a sense of my own thoughts.

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