i thought maybe the only other person who'd gone on the trip with me might feel the same way too.  my dad and i were in the car one day talking all about our travels, and i proclaimed "I MISS BHUTAN!!!!" and in that moment, i felt myself tearing up at the same time. but luckily my silly dad couldn't sense anything haha, he just went on saying "ya.. it was a great trip. maybe next time i should go back again hor? that time my friends said they..... *trails off*" 

i went to work and people asked me how was bhutan, i said i LOVED IT. those who had been there understood what i was feeling, they said they loved the country too and missed it. one colleague told me she cried before she left the country. i said me too, i felt like crying the morning i was to leave. 

another night, my dad and i were once again talking about the hikes we did, the scenery that we saw, people that we met, and my poor mom had to put up with our never-ending raves about the country. i wanted to proclaim how i missed bhutan again. but before i could, i felt myself choke up and i quickly went back to my room and the tears couldn't stop and i cried to myself.

i was thinking, what the hell is happening to me?!?!?! why am i feeling this way omg? siao?

and all of this happened within a week upon my return to singapore.

the next day, i woke up and dragged myself to a course i had to attend in the morning. after that, it was back to work at the office. i went to a colleague to ask for help for a story i was working on, then i suddenly remembered she was the one who had told me about the wonders of bhutan before i left. i told her, "omg bhutan was amaaaazing!!!" she said "it's amazing right???!" she was there about 3 years ago and had been there for her graduation trip. she told me all about her experience and said "i was depressed when i came back man." for a moment, i thought she was joking. then she added, "for three months, i couldn't stop crying every time someone asked me about bhutan" then it clicked for me, somebody understood what i was feeling!!!!! i was not some weirdo!! then i told her what happened to me the night before.

hers was pretty serious though because she was triggered every time she thought about her trip. she explained that it was because in bhutan, we were surrounded by the vastness of nature all the time, every single day. she said nature has an impact on us in ways we cannot explain and it gave us a surge of endorphins and happiness, a "high", so much so that we came crashing after coming home.

i remembered the colour of the fields, the vastness of the mountains, the smell of the crisp air, the whispers of the wind and the magic of the stars... they gave me a kind of peace i couldn't find back in singapore.

my colleague shared with me a poem, that i'd like to share with you too:


The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. ~ Wendell Berry

i remembered how each day in bhutan went by without much thinking. i did not think about the past, i did not think about the future, i did not think about when the trip would end, i did not feel fear about when it would end, i only thought about what clothes to wear each day, what i was going to eat that day, what we were going to do that day, whether cycling would be tiring, i was living in the moment each and every single day - with full focus, no fear, distress, anxiety, or distraction. i just lived every second of it without a thought of anything really. and lucky for us, the entire 9 days went by without a single mishap, everything went by smoothly, without a hitch.

that's when i realised why i was feeling the way i was feeling when i came back...

thoughts started to fill my every day. about work, about life, about relationships, about everything. the anxiety began to creep on to me, and unknowingly, it was eating away at my soul. and perhaps this was what my life used to be with the constant nagging of thoughts.

then it dawned on me, i only had to let go... it was as simple as that. let not your thoughts become you. let not your thoughts lead your life. for they hold no power and give you no control over anything. i was shrouded by negativity just by, whaddyaknow, my own thoughts!

it all clicked. and i couldn't believe that that's what's been giving me pain and anxiety for so long. seriously, sometimes, there's no need to think so much. just stop. there's no use in dwelling on problems and past mistakes - it only gives them power to rule over the mind. what matters is what you do now. at that very moment, you are the most powerful. you can choose to remember what happened to you, what you did, where you came from, how you grew up, what kind of household you grew up in, which school you went to, what grade your teacher gave you for math - all of that doesn't matter at all. who ever told you they did?

you did.

and now you also have the power to shut those thoughts - it can even be a really minor thought, but if left to fester, it becomes destructive.

i know it's not easy and i'm still learning to shut those thoughts in my mind. i used to think people who enjoyed meditation and yoga were a bunch of bozzos hahah, but now i understand why. it actually helps to declutter the mind and shut out all the noise a city brings. 

strangely, and quite beautifully, it took 9 days in a rural country to teach me this - to learn to live in this very moment.

and believe it or not, one month later since coming back, i've felt joy and happiness like i've never felt before~