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As I write this post, it's been two months since my trip to Germany, three years since I found out about my friend's passing, and four years since he died. If you're new to my blog, you can read this and this to get a bit of context to this post. But long story short, one of the reasons for my trip to Germany in September was to pay my last respects to a good, kind friend, who unfortunately cut his own life short after battling with severe depression for many years. It was a long time coming, after getting in touch with a close friend of his, who after corresponding via email for three years, agreed to take me to Dom's grave for a final closure.

When I met his friend, Philip, it was pretty surreal. He picked me up in his car at Cologne, so he could drive us both to a nearby city Dusseldorf and to a little place called Vorst, where Dom laid to rest. We had the entire hour-long ride to properly introduce ourselves because we literally were strangers. (my name's philip, my last name isn't german because my father's english - and my side, i'm ethnically chinese so my name is si hui but you can call me sue cos it's easier) He then said "You know, I think it's so cool that you flew thousands of miles to be here and to meet someone you don't know." I said it's also cool that he agreed to go out of his way to do something like this, despite not knowing me at all. After exchanging pleasantries, and talking a little bit about each other's cultures, we finally talked about Dom. 

He told me about a meeting they were supposed to have right before his passing. Dom was feeling very down, especially after breaking up with his girlfriend and Philip asked to join him in Berlin to just chill out and not think about anything. He waited for the day to arrive, but sadly, Dom took matters into his own hands days before that. When all their friends found out, they were all shocked, confused and felt like they could have done something to help him. And when his funeral arrived, it was a day he had never seen before - so many people who'd grown up together with them (dom and philip were childhood friends) reconnected at this one place. Philip said he had this ability to draw people together when he was alive, and he was also able to do that in death. Everybody had so many questions. I said I too, had gone through a very very tough phase in my life when I found out about his death because I couldn't comprehend why he did that to himself. 

Soon enough, we arrived at this church where both Dom's funeral was held and where the cemetery, which contained Dom's ashes, was situated.

As Philip and I walked past that tall building on the right to enter the cemetery gates, the church bells chimed, to signal that it was 2pm.

While the exterior of the church felt really solemn and honestly quite bleak, it was a different picture inside the cemetery. It was the most beautiful cemetery I had every been to. Neat rows of headstones and wonderfully tendered grass and flowers. Nothing like the messy cemeteries in Singapore like the one I'd been to in Choa Chu Kang. And while I expected it to be dark and scary, it was actually really bright and peaceful.

Philip took about ten minutes to stroll with me and describe to me what the different head stones and their inscriptions meant, and patiently answered questions I had. Soon enough, we arrived at Dom's resting place and it was nothing I had imagined. It had a simple head stone, containing a flickering candle, along with photos and some flowers. But what struck me most was the imprint of a tattoo he once had on his arm - a picture of the continent Africa with music notes coming out of it. I immediately recognised it and told Philip that it was beautiful and so perfect. He told me it was his sister who suggested to have that tattoo imprinted. He then left me alone to say some final words, while he went away for awhile.

left: flowers i bought for him

right: his very own little space

At first, I just stood there in silence staring at the tombstone and just taking it all in. Then I knelt in front of it and started talking. It was kinda awkward initially because it felt as if I was talking to myself especially since I was surrounded by silence and I couldn't help but feel like I was saying empty words. But soon enough, I eased into it, looked straight at the fire flickering in the candle and talked about the times we shared together. I said it was wonderful to have met a great friend like him and even smiled when I talked about stupid things we did. Then I started to tear when I told him that he was the kindest person I had ever met and that I was thankful to have been his friend. I looked at the tattoo on the floor and touched it - it felt like I was touching his heart. Just as I was about to stand up, I let out an exasperated sigh and said aloud, "Oh how I wish you could hear me, Dom"

Then a gust of wind blew and the leaves on the tree in front me started rustling and then an even bigger gust of wind blew and the whole row of trees started doing the same. The sound of the leaves shaking was so loud and it was as if he was saying, 'I am here, and I am with you.' I felt it, I really did, and smiled to myself. Soon enough, Philip walked over to join me again. We talked a little bit more about Dom's final days. He translated to me fully what he had written in his letter to his mom. He gave specific instructions to his brother and sister, about where he had hidden some of his personal items so that they could retrieve them when he was gone. He reassured his mother that this was nobody's fault and a decision he made alone, told them to take care of themselves and that he will always be looking out for them from up above. The only thing he left out was the reason why he chose to end it, and so even till today nobody knows why he did it. We understand it's depression, but aren't sure what triggered it. But it's a decision I respect and choose to leave be.

While I said I was very sad for a long time back in 2016, I told Philip that whenever I think of Dom now, it's all happy thoughts and I will always remember the cheery, fun-loving and colourful side of him. 

Right before we left, I touched his tattoo imprint once again and said goodbye. Philip uttered a "see you, bro", and then the clouds above cleared and the sunlight shone through.

Then as we walked back to the car and the minute we passed the church, the bells chimed, signalling 3pm. Both Philip and I turned to look at each other and he said, "Woah we spent EXACTLY one hour in there!" He said it was crazy that there were so many signs - like Dom was saying hi to us the minute we entered and bye when we walked out. We both thought it was just crazy as we stepped back into his car and drove off.

Philip then invited me to his house to meet his wife, Laura, and their new born baby!! 

After having some of what Laura cooked, it was time for me to leave to catch dinner with another group of friends. All three of them, including baby Olivia, sent me off at Cologne in the hour-long drive back because they also wanted to visit the city for a bit - especially since it was where they had their first date as a couple, a few years ago.

I bade them goodbye after I alighted and thanked Philip profusely for taking me to see Dom again and inviting me to his home. It's still crazy to think that we both agreed to do this even though we hadn't actually met. And also amazing we could click and connect in such a short moment in time - we talked a lot about other things that interest us, religion, politics, etc, even laughing a lot in the car - it really just felt as if I'd known him for a long time. Different cultures, but really, all the same.

Right after I left them, he texted and said "We should have taken a picture *roll eyes emoji*"

I said "OMG THAT WAS WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO!!!! Another time then"

Then he replied "Deal!" 

And added "But Olivia and you have a picture together"

I laughed out loud when I saw this. And in that moment, I felt like I gained a new friend. 

The purpose of my visit to see Dom's grave was to seek closure and find answers. While it's still somewhat of a mystery, I truly felt like I had closed a chapter. And strangely enough, it also felt like I opened a new chapter - lost a friend, but gained one too. 

I've been talking a lot about what happened over the course of the last few years, sharing with all of you everything I've felt and learnt. I've put in as much detail as I possibly can, as a way to help myself deal with the thoughts I had and what I was going through. While some of the details are graphic, I hope that they enlighten readers, and not glorify the act of suicide. I also implore you not to do the same, but to seek help and find someone to talk to about what bothers you. I understand my friend felt trapped and did what he did, but please know that it's not the only way out. You can heal and rise above the shadows. 

And please, please know that there is always hope.