I'm back after 8 months. 

My mental state of mind hasn't been so good in the first half of 2021. It's been agonising, and it's all because of work. 

And I think not having an avenue like this blog to write in has somewhat led my mind go astray. I didn't really have a place to reflect on my thoughts and feelings when I was feeling down.

I made a lot of mistakes at work and it caused a lot of pain, sadness and disappointment. Work is supposed to just be work, but somehow all of those upsetting things got to me and I found myself unable to control my emotions. I'd be cold and angry towards my parents - something I'd only done when I was a teenager and I felt exactly like that - a teenager again. I was wondering what was wrong with myself, as recently as two or three weeks ago. 

Recounting those mistakes can be painful, I'd rather not be reminded of them and move on, so I won't be elaborating. Let's just say they were upsetting enough for me to cry and I think I cried so many times in the first half of this year, I felt like I was losing it. They were embarrassing mistakes, mistakes that I felt shouldn't be made at this point of time in my career, especially when newer colleagues seemed to be doing so well.

Thank god my two-week break came just when I needed it. I felt like I was drowning in work. I hate that it'd become a part of me, though deep down I've always known it's been a BIG part of me. It's almost like I'm defined by my work, as horrible as that sounds. I contend that as a singaporean, work will always be a part of my life.

The past two weeks have been god-sent. Shut off all emails, and it's the first time I don't have a big project waiting at the end of my leave. So it's been stress and anxiety-free. I'm loving it. I got to spend time with my loved ones, fully immersed in the moment, without thinking about stories at the back of my mind, without feeling like I've to please anybody in the office, without being tied to my phone like a maniac. This leave has rejuvenated me.

But.... it's been this way the past five years and I don't want this to be a cycle of being refreshed, then hit by a torrent of work, then sink into an abyss again, then back to being restored again. It's like getting resuscitated every time I feel like I'm about to die from a train wreck (choy) 

This is compounded by the ongoing pandemic. For whatever reason, circuit breaker was easier to deal with last year than this year's phase 2 heightened alert. I guess perhaps I only worked from home for only two weeks last year. This year... It's been more than a month and I'll be wfh for a while longer until they decide to rotate us around. I like wfh for the freedom it's given me, but at the same time, not sure if it's doing any good for my mental health. Maybe I just need time to get used to everything.

On Saturday, I restart work. I've gone to the dentist, cut my hair, tidied my room and feel like I'm ready to face the music again. I always try to start work again positively, but at the back of my mind, I fear the torrent of work coming my way. Will I be able to withstand the intensity, adrenaline and ANXIETY. Oh my god, the anxiety is the worst. 

During one of my rollerblading sessions at the park, I decided I've got to change my mindset. To not be afraid of what my editors think of me, to go with what I think is right, to not put so much weight and expectations on the stories I write - if they're sub-par, fine, if they're oscar-worthy, fine. I take whatever I get and not expect anything else. I put the effort in, do my job well and leave the next step to higher power. It's out of my hands as long as I know I've done my best. And that's how I'll survive the marathon. Because if I treat every story as a sprint, my god, I'll die early. I'm not kidding - sometimes I'm afraid my health takes a toll later on in life. I can imagine cancer cells getting activated some place in my body with the amount of stress it takes on daily. But let's not go there hey.

I'm still grateful for all other aspects in my life though. Not saying this for the sake of it, afterall I'm still an optimist at heart. Sounds extreme but by golly, at least my country's not at war, my loved ones are still alive and I've a roof over my head. Sometimes, that's all that matters and I'm not defined by my mistakes, my work or anything really. I remind myself to stay in the moment and not let my emotions take over. 

Here on, I will be journaling every now and then because the hiatus has proven to me that I cannot stop writing. It helps me mentally and spiritually. I'm actually happier that a smaller group of people will be reading this, if any at all, because this allows me to be a whole lot more authentic about my feelings and thoughts. I need this space for my sanity. I'm glad I have this space.