It's been awhile! The title of this post is kinda sad but I'll answer that in a moment...

Here's a recap of my life so far. (My posts tend to start like this especially since I don't blog very often now haha) Anyway, we're nearing the end of 2020 so I think it's pretty apt to give a round-up of sorts.

First up - 

Say hello to Ms Cutiepie Tan (her name is elizabeth haha)

She's just pure cuteness. It's kinda strange to see my brother being a dad. While I see that she's a whole lot of work for my bro and sis-in-law, she's provided this sense of renewed energy. My parents are also so happy, energetic and they light up at the mere thought of her. My mom even looks at her pix every night before going to bed. I mean, just look at that face... anyone would do the same!!!! (i do that almost every day too heh cuz she's just so darn chubbbz and ARGGHFHGH)

Liz's older sis, or rather, fur sis, Zelda, is still jealous of the baby even after two months. And that's a whole nother chore for my bro to settle. Sibling rivalry begins hahaha. I'm just gonna be the fun aunt watching all of this from the side.

With the arrival of baby Liz, year 2020 didn't seem so bad afterall.

Until, something hit closer to home. 

With the world collapsing due to covid, my world collapsed last month when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

Let's just say it was one of the scariest things I've had to face. 

Sometime in August, doctors found a dark spot through a routine check and she was scheduled for a biopsy the following month to confirm if it was cancer.

In the lead-up to that biopsy, I didn't realise it but I was worrying quite a bit. And I entertained thoughts such as "what if the worst happens? what if my mom dies?"

One day, I was listening to some music while doing work in the office when I started to cry. I had to go to the toilet to cry silently in one of the cubicles. At that moment, I just thought I was touched by the song lyrics, but looking back, it was definitely an emotional reaction to whatever that was happening in my life. The mind tricks itself, but the body reacts.

I took family care leave - the first time I'd ever done so - on the day of the biopsy results. The first words out of the doctor's mouth were, "I'm sorry to say, that it is cancer".

I froze.

He then said that it was early stage cancer. It was a relief to hear that she had found out about it early. Any later and the cancer would have spread. And thankfully, she wasn't travelling to some country with the global travel shutdown, otherwise she might have put off that "tightness" in her breast. 

Earlier this month, she went for surgery to remove the cancer cells and is taking the rest of the month to recover.

Quite interestingly, before knowing anything about my mom's cancer, I requested to clear three weeks of leave just so that I could enjoy some downtime. Coincidentally, the duration and period fit perfectly well with my mom's medical leave. That means I could spend time with her, and accompany her on hospital visits as well as simply just rest at home or take her out.

I'm super grateful that the stars aligned, and my professional life took a back seat. I really needed a break to recalibrate, reconfigure what I thought was important in my life. And really take a pause - especially since this entire year has been such a pain. 

Today marks my third last blissful day of leave, that's why I'm hoping to write this before work devours me and rips my heart out. My mom is coping well - and I'm glad she's in high spirits every day. 

As for myself, I am sooo freakin glad I took the three weeks. I am fully rested. 

October is also my birth month, so I got to meet a lot of my friends who have made this period a lot brighter and cheerier. 

Thank you to each and every one of you!!! You have a special place in my heart.

Not forgetting my special person who made my birthday feel like an engagement party - pls find the ring in the picture - hahahaha i'm just joking.

And of course as you all know by now - I share the same birthday as my mother. This year definitely has extra meaning so here's a mini-celebration of her successful operation and to better health in the coming year.

As Monday approaches, work beckons. This time, I return to the newsroom with several changes kicking in. If you watch TV, CNA has undergone a major revamp. Bulletins have a new AR look, with new presenters and new ways of storytelling. Within the news desk, there are also several changes and I'm set to take on even more work in the coming months, and possibly the entire year, which is 2021. 

That's because I'll be helming one beat, the education beat, on my own for a while. Some of my supervisors have changed as well, and it's going to take a lot of getting used to. Different working styles, etc, and I feel really really uncertain. One of my bosses whom I've been working with for the last two years, who has really honed my journalistic skills as well as tightened my scripts, won't be looking over me anymore. I feel kind of naked really, because she's sort of like a mentor to me. Without her, I have to work a lot harder, and the stakes are higher now that I'm no longer a rookie reporter (even tho I still feel like one sometimes!!) It's going to be a trying year ahead, perhaps even more trying than this year. A true test of my skills. I tell myself, that I've been doing this for two years already and I should be confident, even proud of my journey - that I have what it takes. I'm not going to set rigid expectations for myself. I've learnt from my mistakes in the past - dive in too fast, too deep and my spirit dies - so I'll take this one step at a time. I can do this!

With that said, this brings me to my final point - what does my blog post title mean??

As you've noticed, posts here have become very irregular, almost non-existent. This year alone - I've written a grand total of FOUR blog posts, excluding this one. The year before, I'd written at least TEN. So it's now reduced to a trickle.

I don't think it does justice to you lot, waiting god knows when for the next post, and the next.

So I've decided... this is where I say goodbye to you guys. 

At least for now. 

I foresee my life getting a lot busier, with commitments pulling me in all directions. I simply don't have the time and I don't want to leave you guys hanging. 

I have certainly enjoyed writing for you, over the course of omg... nearly half my life, or even more. (I started when I was about 14?? I'm now 28 ahhhh!!!!!) 

It's just getting tougher and tougher. 

Another reason is - and I've been wanting to say this for a while - social media is becoming way wayyy scary. Sometimes, I don't feel like I can write what I feel properly anymore and people are digging up things from the past. Especially in my line of work, I don't want that scrutiny and I don't think I'll enjoy waking up one day, finding myself cancelled in this climate of "wokeness". Blimey, I will never sleep again and stay aWAKE for the rest of my life if that happens. So... yeah, this is another huge push factor for me. 

I used to think, "well I've nothing to hide, why be scared". But I really just don't want to find myself in any unnecessary drama.

It's sad. It really is sad that it has to come to this. But it just seems like the right time, especially with increasing demands in my life. I simply can't keep up.

I won't be gone forever - you can still find me on instagram posting fun and silly stuff. Though here's a disclaimer - I won't be as true over there as I am here. I won't be as pensive. And I sure won't be as OPEN about sharing the sad + more trying parts of my life on ig as I am here. But it is what it is.

I've enjoyed the golden years of blogspot and I think it's time to let go.

And who knows, for the truly tough days, I may just come back here to rant and cry a little. 

With that, I say thank you for journeying with me up till today. I'm not gonna lie - my eyes stung a little writing this piece. This place holds special meaning, and you guys are like... I dunno, a secret family? 

So thank you thank you thank you to all of you. Take care and I hope to see you again once the pandemic blows over.

For now, it's goodbye :')

p/s i'll leave the retro tagboard here forever. and if you feel like leaving a note every now and then, i'll make it a point to check it :)