yeap and i'm taking my test next Tuesday.

i don't know why but i'm so so so bloody anxious about it. so much so that i couldn't sleep properly the last few days just thinking about it. last night, i rolled around till 4:30am because i was having anxiety just thinking about failing some of the obstacles. every single one of them - crank course, figure 8, dreadful plank, emergency stop. i just imagine myself falling off or doing something stupid.

i came here to type my thoughts because that's how i've always dealt with my anxiety in the past so i'm back here again!! it's just way more cathartic to type it down because i feel that i can't really talk about my anxiety to everyone. and not everyone understands.

i also came back to see if i had the same level of anxiety when i took my driving test in 2018. and it doesn't seem so??? maybe it comes with age. i don't remember feeling so panicky back then. i know i really badly wanted to pass but this time, i just feel like i can't go on again if i fail because of the stress and anxiety hahaha.

or maybe at the end of the day, it's just the ego. of not passing on the first try and the shame i've to carry to tell everyone i failed. sigh. but i also just really want to get this done and over with as this motorbike course has been going on for more than a year! i've even extended it once. simply because i've been too busy to finish it last year.

and i know there are way more important things to worry about in life, and that failure isn't the end. that's why I DONT KNOW WHY IM SO ANXIOUS THIS TIME. nothing else has scared me more than this test. mind you, i've done a lot of scary things, bungy jumping, diving, and in my career i've done things that are way more nerve-wrecking like live crosses, speaking off the cuff on national tv. so i can't seem to comprehend where this anxiety is coming from hahahaha.

it's also through motorbike lessons that i can sorta understand how athletes feel. it's like you've trained for so long, just to perform for that one day when you're put to the test. it's those mere seconds that will determine if you get gold or not. and in my case, a pass or fail. that kind of mentality is insane, so i really admire athletes now. how do you get over that mental block?????

so if people ask me if i'm prepared. i say i am. it's just the nervessssss. they're my achilles' heel. when i go for practice, i can do everything perfectly fine. but the moment i feel like instructors are watching me, and testing me, that's when my system goes into overdrive and it just doesn't function properly. 

i only wish for calmness that day, an empty mind, with laser-like focus. and to trust that my body knows what to do, and takes over if my mind seems distracted. that's all i wish for. 

if i fail, well sigh, let's just say don't give up. never give up.

but of course, who wants to fail!!! more than anything, it's a 'lets get this done and over with plssss' mentality. 

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!!!